Articles Archive - Page 65 of 91

One night about 6 months after my second daughter was born, we were all sitting at the dinner table and the baby started tilting her head to the side and smiling. It was so cute, and the grownups were all just smitten. We cooed and fawned over her for several minutes, and then I looked at my 5 year old. She tilted her head to the side, made the exact same smile, and it just about broke my heart. My big girl needed some of that love and attention, too. The thing is, it’s really hard to compete with a baby. They are so darn cute, it’s just not a fair fight.

So what can parents do to help our older kids feel just as loved and not so jealous of the new baby? Counter-intuitively, the first thing we need to do is to give them permission to feel upset or jealous. Those feelings are normal and completely understandable. We also need to acknowledge the truth about how many negative side effects a baby creates for an older sibling. Yes, both things are true: babies=positive and negative changes! We need to say things like:

I can totally understand why you would want to send her back right now. It’s hard to be the big sister.
I know, he messed up your artwork and you’re really mad. I would be mad, too.
I am so sorry that you have to wait so long for me. I know it must seem like your brother is taking a lot of my time.

The other thing we need to do is to create experiences that balance out the negatives. You can:

Point out how special it is that our older child can do things like bike or read or set the table.
Highlight how the baby looks up to the older siblings and is extra interested in them and extra entertained by them.
Give our big kids a break from the baby. Schedule a special Mommy-big kid date to look forward to. (Make it a treat for you, too! Do something you’ll both enjoy.)

Validate and empathize with those upset feelings, and try to create plenty of good feelings—with and without the new baby—it will help!

Thanksgiving is on the way. How can you manage all the holiday hoopla that’s runs from now into January, reduce the stress and increase the happiness for you and your kids? Here are some simple tips that might keep the season bright.

Get lots of sleep
Make sure your kids – even your teenagers – get 9 to 10 hours of sleep a night. Toddlers and preschoolers need even more. It’s difficult to get sleep when there’s so much going on but try to keep regular bedtimes throughout the holiday season.

Try for a nap or quiet time on days that are filled with events and disruption. Stop the action for everyone for at least 30 minutes – 45 minutes or an hour is even better. The little kids can sleep and the bigger kids can read or watch quiet television and just chill out for a while. If you’re out and about and things are getting hectic but there’s no time for a break, stop anyway, get a snack, run around on a playground. Getting everything done is not so important as having a pleasant time. Do what you can to ensure your kids are rested and not overtired or overstressed.

Watch the sugar and chocolate
Each person who offers candy knows only about this candy. It’s up to you to keep track of the mounting total. Practice saying, “How nice! We’ll save this to enjoy later!” And remember that “later” need never arrive. Your child is under no obligation to eat all the junk she’s offered and you are under no obligation to permit her to do so.

Make certain that meals and even snacks are nutrient dense and healthful. Remember that nutrition is a zero-sum game and tummies full of junk food have no room for foods that are good for them and will make kids feel better longer. This might mean that your children will need kid friendly meal alternatives at least some of the time. So take some string cheese or peanut butter crackers or a carton of yogurt with you when you go out and about. Fuel your child’s holidays with good food and you’ll get better behavior.

Stay on top of behavior
Set the parameters ahead of time. Let kids know what’s going to happen in what order and what sort of behavior is expected in each situation. If you’re going to the Nutcracker ballet, for example, let your child know what’s going to happen, how she’s supposed to behave and what she can do while she’s there. She doesn’t know, so help her out just a little bit.

Alert your child ahead of time about relatives your child will encounter but maybe won’t remember. Great Aunt Susie might expect that your 10-year-old remembers her from last year. But children’s memories are pretty porous. So give your kids some help. Take out the photo album and look at Great Aunt Susie’s picture, remember the names of her cats, what town she lives in and other things that will give your child a way to connect with this person even before she shows up. The older your child, the more social skills are expected of him, so throw your child a conversational lifeline.

Use tools to help children understand when things will happen. You can make a paper chain and cut off a link every day until you get to the target event. An Advent calendar works well here too. On those days that are just packed with events or errands, help your child know what’s going on by making a list on a piece of paper or a chalkboard. Even children who are nonreaders like to know that there is a limited list of things that are going to happen and they can cross items off as each one is accomplished. It helps children feel less like baggage and more like participants.

Pay attention to the good stuff
Notice self-control, sharing, turn taking and so on and let your child know you appreciate his efforts. We get the behavior we pay attention to so pay attention to what you want to see more of. And don’t wait until your child is completely round the bend before trying to rein him in. Try to catch things before he acts out. Then redirect him – give him a job to do, read him a story, or start a sing along – anything to break up the mood and get your child back on track. Help your child feel successful and in control and then thank him for being so grownup.

Get your kids outdoors even on days of celebration. Being inside too long is too much for just about any child, so wherever you go make sure that you take along outdoor clothing and get the kids out to play. Even going for a walk is a help.

And, finally, filter things through your understanding of your child’s temperament. If you know your child is a bit bouncy and little impulsive and then maybe the ballet is not the best event for your family. Maybe going caroling, or ice skate or sledding would be more fun for your child. If you know your child has difficulty in a crowd of strangers, give her some things to talk about or some tasks to do that will give her a role without making her feel self-conscious. Make sure your child feels as happy about all of the events and all the people she’s going to see this holiday season as you’d like her to be.

As you make your plans for the holiday season, keep in mind what your children like to do and what they need to know to be successful. By thinking ahead, you can be thankful for more serene, joyous holidays.

Christmas Eve in my family growing up meant going to my grandmother’s house in the evening, where there were bubble lights on the tree and oyster stew on the table, opening gifts, then heading home where Mother read the gospel of Luke before we went to bed. Ahead of the holiday, we baked the same cookies every year and took the same tour of the neighborhood, looking at the Christmas lights.

Did you have holiday traditions in your childhood family? Were these accidental traditions – things that happened once and then just stuck – or were they traditions someone decided to include? How have you settled on the traditions around the holidays for your own children, right now?

Take some time to consider what customs and rituals you’d like to repeat every year at holiday time and then plan to make those happen. By being intentional about traditions, you take control of the values you communicate and you cement memories for your children’s future.

Children’s capacity for episodic memory forms during the three-year-old year, so the years from birth to age four are a good time to fiddle with customs, seeing what fits best. You’ll be able to toss out rituals that just don’t work very well – or are too much work entirely! – without disappointing your child in future years, since he won’t remember them. By age six or seven, though, what you do together as a family over the holidays will be activities your children will expect year after year.

The trick is to use the entire month of December and not try to cram a lot of activities into Christmas week. Another trick is to be choosy about what you do as a family and understand you cannot do everything. The final trick is to share the work. You, your partner, and your children’s grandparents can all have a role that adds to the richness of the holiday season.

A nice balance of traditions might include something from each of several categories:

Community. Participation in religious services, tree-lighting ceremonies, community sings, and so on are key ways to share the joy of the season with others. Consider going caroling, driving around to see outdoor lights or seeing a holiday play. Being part of celebrations bigger than ourselves is an important addition to the season.

Decorating. Choosing a Christmas tree and decorating it can be a family affair, along with hanging a wreath on the door and stockings on the mantel. Creating handmade ornaments and building a gingerbread house are activities that adapt to children of all ages and can become more sophisticated as children grow older. And, of course, trimming your home or windows with colored lights is always fun.

Storytelling. The holidays are full of story, both religious ones and secular tales. Read stories to each other, tell stories, and even watch holiday television programs. Singing is another way to tell the stories of the season and music always makes everyone feel good.

Food. Christmas baking is time-honored and children love to make and decorate cookies and cakes. Leaving a snack out for Santa Claus is a ritual in some households. If your family doesn’t have traditional foods for the holiday dinner, there’s no reason why you can’t create a menu that can be repeated every year.

Service. Bring the meaning of the holiday home by including volunteering at a food bank or homeless shelter. Help children choose a charity and make a donation. Find ways to help out neighbors, feed the birds, or pitch in as needed. Many organizations need help and making this a traditional activity in your family sets a good example and brings a warm glow.

It doesn’t matter what traditions you choose – and certainly there are many more options to choose from than the few I’ve suggested here. The key thing is to choose. Choose what fits your values and the meaning you want your children to attach to the holidays. Incorporate these into the family’s activities throughout the entire month.

Build traditions deliberately. They will last in memory a very long time.

Now that the jolly holiday season is upon us, are you worried about all you need to pack in to the next few days? Like many of us, you might be trying to be too perfect. Here are some last-minute ideas for making each holiday minute last.

Make a list of what’s on your mind. If making a list is good enough for Santa, it’s a good idea for you, too. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, write down all the things that are on your plate right now. Don’t worry if the list goes on and on… keep writing till you’ve got it all. Then take a look. What can be put off until after the first of the year? What can you decide to eliminate altogether? What is really essential and fits with what you really want to do? Making a list will help you see that not everything is equally important.
Find the fun. If everything seems like work, insert some fun… and remember that fun can seem like doing nothing at all. Go for a walk or a drive to look at holiday lights. Sing carols. Make hot chocolate and top it with whipped cream and sprinkles. If you’re lucky enough to have some snow, get out and play! Fun is where the good memories are. Make some!
Slow down. Really notice what’s happening by slowing down long enough to look and listen. Watch your children’s eyes light up. Hear them when they chatter excitedly. Remember what it’s like to be a kid at Christmas and take the time to see that in your own children.
Delicious doesn’t have to be fancy. Now is the time for comfort food that’s easy to make and everyone’s favorite. Save the new recipes and strange ingredients for another day. Right now, be nice to yourself and your family by enjoying meals that are stress-free and comforting.
Stop spending. The impulse to be perfect sometimes makes us continue to buy long past the time we should stop. Realize that things don’t make children happy; happiness makes children happy. It won’t make your kids happy if you’re worried about how much you spent, if you’re hiding receipts from your partner, or even if the pile of presents reaches to the ceiling.

“Christmas comes but once a year,” the saying goes, but that doesn’t mean you should cram every possible holiday opportunity into a single month, a single week or a single day.

“Keep Christmas in your heart the whole year long” is another saying and now is the time to recall that the love we want to share this holiday season can continue to be shared every day on into the future. There really is no hurry.

So slow down. Enjoy yourself and enjoy your family. Don’t rush right through the holiday and out the other side like a freight train through a tunnel. Take the time it takes to have a lovely holiday time.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Look for free downloads on Dr. Anderson’s website at www.patricianananderson.com.

If you embrace Santa Claus as part of your family’s holiday tradition, it’s possible you might want to give the “jolly old elf” a personality make-over. If Santa at your house has become mean and crabby, helped in spying on children by a new sidekick, the “elf on the shelf,” it’s time to remember the spirit of the season and restore the old guy’s charm.

There’s a bit of a philosophical divide here. Following one line of thought, Santa Claus is the representative of a judgmental God, bent on rooting out sin and punishing wrong-doers. This is the Santa who keeps a tally of children’s behavior all year long. He then awards coal or candy on Christmas Eve, depending on the worthiness of a stocking’s owner.

Following the opposite line of thought, Santa Claus is the representative of a loving God whose guidance takes an especially gentle approach for children. This fellow understands that children make mistakes. He also understands that children develop best when they are assured important people love them. This Santa would never think of giving a child a lump of coal for Christmas. This Santa can be trusted to be a nice guy.

Most parents agree Santa Claus is a positive person. If Santa is part of a family’s celebration, he is almost always portrayed as a happy, smiling, loving guy who is nice to reindeer and generous to children. But there has been some slippage in Santa’s image. Many parents hint that Santa’s love is conditional. They park a toy elf in the home where it can “watch” children’s good and bad behavior and then report back to Santa Claus before he loads up his sled.

Santa’s good reputation has been tarnished by extortionist threats delivered in his name by moms and dads who are out of better ideas. If anyone deserves coal in a stocking, it is parents like these.

Now, as the holiday winds to its grand finale, take a long look at your children and their behavior. Notice that kids get excited and do things without thinking. They do this because they haven’t yet developed the sort of self-control adults have or an appreciation of the consequences of their actions. Notice that being a parent means helping children with this development by guiding their behavior in ways that don’t undermine the parent-child relationship. Trust is important. Do nothing to destroy your children’s trust in you.

So, as children this week get over tired and over wrought, take a deep breath. Make adjustments without making threats. Keep this up all the way through the holiday season.

You don’t need an elf on the shelf. When you keep Christmas in your heart all year long, you keep alive the very best of Santa Claus.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Parenting: A Field Guide, at your favorite bookstore.

Congratulations on finding a new love. But when you already have children and your new love has children too, and you’ll be throwing all the kids together into one big, happy household, well, it’s natural to be nervous. Can children who began their lives in different families come together in a new, blended family without much difficulty? Sure they can. Is it easy? No.

There’s a lot going on when adults who have children from previous relationships combine their households.

First, each set of children must share their birth parent with a step-parent. This feels like a loss for them.
Second, this new relationship absolutely squashes any fantasies about birth mom and birth dad getting back together and it may also change the children’s interaction with their non-custodial birth parent.
Third, each set of children must learn about the new parent and adjust to him or her and accept the authority of this new adult in their lives.
Fourth, at least one set of children and often both sets of children move to a new home, so that their familiar setting is gone.
Fifth, the children who moved to a new home must figure out new schools and make new friends.
All of this upset happens and we haven’t even talked yet about adjusting to new siblings.

So add to all that the new siblings. This can be a delightful experience, like a perpetual sleepover, or it can be a source of continuous sniping. Children are naturally on the lookout for favoritism, unshared privileges, and seemingly intentional slights. They naturally seek to capture their birth parent’s attention. A child may try to sabotage the relationship between her own parent and a step-sibling or even with the step-parent. Things can get really ugly really fast.

Keep in mind that even in biological families, there are personality clashes, difficult moments, and unhappiness. Avoid blaming the past or a non-custodial birth parent. Resist blaming the kids. Raising a blended family takes some finesse and some sweetness, the same as every family needs. To help your family make the transition, here are some tips:

Accept that this won’t be easy for anyone and will take time. Don’t rush to create “the perfect family.”
Listen. Hear what’s being said for the information it conveys and not as criticism. When a child says, “I hate this,” she’s saying she’s unhappy. She needs support, not an angry response.
Be consistent without being rigid. Base decisions on a consistent framework or value system so that it’s not difficult for kids to anticipate what you might agree to. Be on the same page with your new spouse.
Recognize that children have a special bond with their birth parents, including the non-custodial parent. Make room for this. Adding a step-parent shouldn’t mean losing one’s biological parents.
Avoid playing favorites or making comparisons between the children or even appearing to do so. Be fair. Don’t say what you’re thinking if you’re thinking of making a comparison.
Understand your position. You are not your step-children’s “mom” or “dad” and it’s unwise to insist that they call you that, especially if their biological parent is still living. Many children call their step-parent by that person’s first name, especially if the kids are older. Work out something agreeable to everyone.
Be flexible about holidays and other traditions. The ways you and your children have celebrated birthdays and holidays aren’t the only ways. In fact, “your” holidays aren’t the only holidays there are! Be open-minded about celebrations and special days and concentrate on adding – dates and traditions and even religions – instead of insisting only on yours. The more the merrier!
Model the behavior you want to see. Be cheerful, compassionate, patient, and accepting. If you’re not, who else can be? If you are, others will learn from you.

Realize that blending a family is not automatic. It will take some effort on your part and it will take some time. The waters may never be entirely smooth.

But the happiness of all the children is essential to the success of your relationship with your new spouse. So take the time to make this work.

Does it sometimes seem that talking to your child is like talking to a brick wall? How often does it happen that you tell a child something only to have him ask about the very same thing in a minute or two? How often do you give a direction, only to have a child do it wrong and then ask you why you didn’t tell him the right way?

Kids are used to tuning us out. We tend to blather on and on until our voices are just background noise. It’s not that we don’t talk about what we want our kids to do. It’s that we talk even though we know our kids aren’t listening. That’s not our children’s fault. It’s ours and we can do something about it.

A while back, I watched a father get the attention first of a very active four-year-old before he told her something important. The child was on a couch with her feet in her older brother’s lap. On those feet were hard-soled shoes with sharp corners at the heels. The little girl began waving her feet around, perilously close to her brother’s face.

Her father used a stern voice but at a normal volume. He called the child’s name. He said, “Please look at me.” He asked, “Are you listening to me?” and waited until the girl nodded “yes.” He then said that she was in danger of hitting her brother with her sharp shoes. He asked her to look at her shoes. He asked her to feel the edges of the heels. He said, ”When you put those shoes close to your brother’s face you could hit him. You could cut him.” He said, “Do you understand what I just said?” The little girl nodded yes.

At no time did the Dad restrain the girl or raise his voice. But his tone and his words demanded her attention. And that is the key: making certain one has a child’s attention before making a point. The child moved her feet away from her brother’s face and the problem did not come up again.

Too often we act hastily. We bark direct orders: “Keep your feet still!” without ever getting a child’s full attention. We reach and grab the shoes instead of grabbing the mind first. This dad was supremely effective because he got his daughter’s attention and held it while he made the correction that was needed.

Too often also we just talk without getting children’s attention first. Being able to switch attention from one thing to another is a skill children actually have to learn. They’re not born knowing how to do this and some kids are better at this or learn it more easily than others. But even for us adults, who are immersed sometimes in the ball game or our phones or a good book, pulling ourselves away from what we’re attending to, to pay attention to someone else, takes an effort. It takes a bit of time.

So, if you’re frustrated by your children’s lack of attention, try this:

Ask for attention and wait until you get it. Look for eye contact and a shift of attention to you from whatever the child was doing before you spoke. Don’t say what you want to say before you have the child’s attention.
Say what you want to say in a calm, reasonable voice. Speak in simple sentences that are easy to understand. Realize that your child’s mind was recently somewhere else, so she may need you to give her some idea of what you’re talking about before you get to the point you want to make about it.
Ask for acknowledgement of what you just said. You can ask for a simple answer to “do you understand me?” or you can ask the child to repeat back what he thought he just heard you say.

Children are not mind-readers but they do want to get along with us. We’ve got to meet them halfway – maybe more than halfway – by only talking to children after we know they are listening. Everyone – even your child – is frustrated when the lines of communication drop.

By getting a child’s attention first, you help him to learn to listen to you. You make it clear that you say important things. You and your child will get along better, with less frustration and less hot air.

No matter how old your child is – anywhere from two to twenty-two – if you are doing for him what he could do for himself you are enabling a dependent state of mind. The child who feels dependent seems anxious and whiney. He’s demanding. He acts lazy and thoughtless. Being dependent is not a happy condition for him … or for you. You feel frustrated and used. You start to think, “This has got to stop!”

Luckily, with a few simple steps, you can change your dependent child into someone who feels capable and strong and does things for herself. The key bit to remember is that we can never change another person’s behavior by complaining or insisting or wishing for change. We can only change ourselves but that’s enough. Here’s how.

Meet requests for help with a question. Instead of just responding with the requested help, ask a question that encourages the child to perform on her own. For example, if your four-year-old wants help to put on her coat, say, “Here’s your coat! Which arm goes into which sleeve, do you think?” If your child insists that you drive him a short distance to play at a friend’s house, and you think he could walk instead, ask “I wonder how many steps it is to Brian’s house?” or “I wonder how quickly you could walk there…” and suggest he walk and then report back.

Be pleasant and supportive. It’s tempting to try to hurry things along by telling your child he’s a big boy now or that he’s acting like a baby. This isn’t very encouraging to any kid and it’s also not fair. Remember you’ve created this little dependent person. Calling him names now or acting mean is blaming him for your own misguided actions. Instead, be as pleasant and supportive as you can be. Sympathize when he tells you it’s too hard or he doesn’t know how. Let him know you have confidence in his abilities.

Act as a scaffold. If you’ve been doing a lot for your child you might discover that she truly doesn’t know how to do some of the things you think she should know. But instead of stepping in again to do it for her, take the time to show her how to do the task herself. If the task is complicated, you might scaffold it by doing the hardest parts and letting her do the easier ones. So if your thirteen-year-old asks you do iron her shirt, say, “Let’s do it together.”

Trust your child’s instincts. If your child thinks he can, he probably can. Let him try. This is often the hardest part – knowing when to step back and watch. You could do whatever it is so much more quickly and easily and maybe more successfully. But your child will probably do well enough and will learn and grow by trying. Recently a parent I know offered to help his three-year-old snap some Lego together. The child said, “No. I want to do it myself.” Dad wisely backed off and, yes, the child did it!

Quit trying to be so perfect. If you hover because you think a perfect parent should make sure her children are always happy, get busier with your own life. While your world might indeed revolve around your children, make sure that you don’t seem to them to be living in their shadow. Perfect parents let their children grow and aren’t always at kids’ beck and call.

If you do things for your child because it’s quicker and simpler for you, slow down. Factor in the time it takes your preschooler to get her shoes on all by herself. She will get faster with practice. Yes, you’re busy and, yes, children are slower than you would be at just about everything. But taking the time to help them learn to be more self-reliant is part of your job as a parent. Slow down enough to do just that.

If you hover because you’re anxious for a perfect outcome, work on taking the long view. Just as children are not very fast, they also are not so perfect. Naturally, they make mistakes. But imperfectly done-all-by-myself is almost always more satisfying to a child than perfectly done-by-Mom-while-I-just-watched. Let your children grow into their abilities by letting them try. Abandon “perfect.”

The key is to start being less available and less accommodating while at the same time being your very nicest self. It’s also important to be consistent. You can certainly step in when there’s a real emergency but the more consistent you can be with a new approach the easier it will be for your child and for you to make a new habit.

Helping children become more confident and competent is joyous work. It’s far more fun than doing everything for them every moment of the day. If you’ve been enabling dependency, now is the time to kick back a bit and have a good time learning together.

If you drive a car, sooner or later your child will expect to drive one too. For most teens, the day they can legally drive is the moment they want to get behind the wheel. How can you make certain your child is ready when that time comes?

First, learning to drive starts now, no matter how old your child is. As you drive through town, with your child in the backseat, talk about the rules of the road as they come up. Notice the signs and talk about what they mean. Talking about driving starts long before your child is tall enough to see over the steering wheel.

As soon as your child is old enough to sit in the passenger seat, that’s where he should sit at least some of the time. Now your driving conversations get more specific, as you point out possible hazards and how you handle them. Get your child thinking about driving, watching the traffic, and helping you notice dodgy situations.

Second, make it clear to your child long before he turns 16, that driving is a privilege that carries with it some heavy responsibilities. Driving is not a right. Let him know that you will be watching for signals that he’s ready to drive a car and that when you see he’s ready you will agree to let him learn.

At the same time, don’t make learning to drive an exercise in extortion. Don’t make your permission dependent on getting straight As in school or setting other impossibly high standards as a prerequisite to learning to drive. Be fair and treat your child fairly.

Remember that driving is a complex skill and it takes lots of practice to get good enough at it to be safe. This means that even if your child takes driver’s ed in school or gets private lessons, you will still have to help her practice driving as much as possible. The more situations, the more weather, the more sorts of roadways your child drives under your watchful eye, the better.

Keep your eye on the law. Be careful to get things off on the right foot by keeping your child out from behind the wheel until he’s legally allowed to get a learner’s permit. Once your child gets his license, pay attention to the limitations your state puts on teen drivers. In most states, new drivers are not allowed to drive after dark or to drive with other teens in the car. Make certain your child follows the law – and make certain he knows the law even if he’s just riding while a friend drives.

Finally, as always, model what you want to see, even if you don’t want to see it for another five years. Now is the time to be mindful of your own driving, so your children see the best possible example. Don’t use your cell phone when you drive and avoid other distractions, like hunting for something on the floor while you go down the road. Always use your seat belt. Don’t speed. Come to a full stop at stop signs. Do not put yourself in the position later of having to insist on rules your child thinks you yourself ignore.

When it comes to preparing a child to learn to drive, “Do as I do and do as I say,” is the safest way. Start modeling good driving now and start talking about good driving. No matter how young your child is now, the time to start driver’s ed is today.

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