Parents typically and inadvertently teach their children that school performance is for the parent and the teacher—not for them. Parents place so much value on grades and performance that the message to the child is, I care more about how you do than what you do. For too many children, school is a place to endure, and if they don’t do well, they can feel like they are a huge disappointment to the most important people in their lives. We need to hand over education to our children and let them know they have our support in doing the best they can but not our disapproval if they don’t.

Jacquelynne Eccles, professor of psychology and research scientist at the University of Michigan, has said, “… motivation and engagement in school on average drops as they move from the elementary school into the secondary school system. You see it in attendance, in getting into trouble, in drop outs from high school and also in dropping out of college.” Dr. Eccles’ perspective of why this is stems from the mindset of the student. She explains, “They don’t think they can succeed in school. They don’t think it’s important; they don’t see its relevance to their lives. It creates too much anxiety. It’s not taught in a way that’s interesting, so it has no appeal to them.” She says, “…students are more likely to be fully engaged in school if they expect they can do well and if they value the learning that schools provide.”

That’s where parents come in. Eccles goes on to say that intrinsic motivation is essential and is reinforced for students when parents are in active discussion about the relevance of their education.

Unfortunately most parenting practices focus on extrinsic motivation: giving a “consequence” for undesirable behavior, performance, grades, etc. Whenever rewards or punishments (withdrawal of privileges, phones, freedom) are used by parents in an attempt to motivate better behavior, the opposite is usually the result. That is because the motivation is external, and nothing intrinsic is learned.

It is critical to maintain connection with your children through positive relationships based on trust that your children want to do well. You are their rock. Make sure that you support whatever their experience is and believe in their ultimate success.

Ways to help your children feel motivated in school:

1. Greet your child everyday after school with physical touch, eye contact and words expressing how happy you are to see them. Save questions about their day for later or wait until they tell you.
2. Trust them to handle their own homework assignments. Do show interest in their studies and assignments. Offer your help when needed, but try not to get involved without being asked.
3. Give your children ownership of their education. Let them experience the consequences of good or bad grades without adding your approval or disapproval. Acknowledge their effort at all times (even when you see little). When they do well, express that you know how proud they must be of themselves (intrinsic) rather than how proud you are of them (extrinsic).
4. Value school-related activities other than grades and test scores, i.e. being helpful to a friend, interest in something non-academic, relationships with teachers and friends, sports, music.
5. Ask each child what they would like to accomplish this year—how they would like the school year to end and how to reach that goal. Notice where effort, determination, and mastery occur.
6. Ask, “If you were to overhear your teacher talking about you, what would you like to hear your teacher say?”
7. Focus on the process and content of their learning. Take focus off grades and performance. Never compare one child’s accomplishments with another’s.
8. When grades are given, ask your children what they think—are they fair, are they accurately representative of their effort? Let them grade themselves.
9. If your children are having difficulty, help them break work down into small bit-sized chunks that can be accomplished more easily. Validate their effort and be understanding of their frustration. Share a story from your past.
10. Try not to punish (give consequences) or reward performance or grades. Do not teach your children that what you care most about is what they produce.

Your children want nothing more than to be a successful learner. If they fall behind or do poorly, they tend to focus on and exaggerate their difference from other students and consider themselves a failure—if their parents have not placed value on learning for learning’s sake instead of performance.

Our kids need to feel unconditionally accepted. When performance is poor, that acceptance means, You are having a difficult time right now. Let’s find out how to make it better, rather than, You are not doing what I want you to do. You then accept the difficulty your child is experiencing instead of putting conditions on it.

Your child will better understand the relevance of his education when you value learning over performance. When you are there as their support, when home is the place they can let it all hang out, they become motivated by your belief in them. Then success at any level becomes something they strive for.

Think back over the school year: how many days did your child miss because he started the morning with a tummy ache or headache that evaporated as soon as you agreed to keep him home? How many days did you insist your child go to school despite her complaint of not feeling well, only to discover that her day went fine once she got there?

Anxiety can tie a stomach into knots, cause a head to pound, even create diarrhea, vomiting, and light-headedness. Although the school year is nearly done, the prospect of anxiety-induced illness continues, looming over summer camp and other stressful activities. If anxiety is making your child sick, what can you do?

According to child psychologist Golda Ginsburg of Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, anxious children often have anxious parents. In fact, anxious parents are more likely – two to seven times more likely – to have anxious children. Part of this may be inherited temperament but Ginsburg believes that a lot of childhood anxiety is learned. Parents who are fearful, who encourage their children to be extra cautious, and who hover over them in a worried way communicate to their kids that the world is dangerous. No wonder these kids want to stay safe in bed!

Of course, we worry about the dangers toddlers can get into and we’re constantly on the lookout for dangerous situations. But as kids get older, parents need to lighten up. They need to permit children to handle things on their own and build up confidence in themselves. Small, planned exercises in self-reliance are important to children’s development.

At the same time, sometimes children are placed in situations that are too competitive, too stressful, and too frightening. A coach who yells and is mean is scary no matter how good a coach you think he is. A teacher who is demanding and unhelpful creates stress even if the class has great test scores. A parent who insists on perfection from a child undermines the love between them and causes stress. It’s difficult, sometimes, to see a situation from the child’s point of view. A child is not being soft or lazy if he complains about being under too great a strain. What seems un-stressful to you may provoke an anxiety attack in your child.

If your child seems to be letting anxiety make her sick, what can you do? Here are some tips.

1. Talk it over later. You might keep your child home when she’s anxiously ill or you might send her off and hope she makes it through the day. Whatever you choose, at the end of the day, when things are calmer, ask about it. Remind her that she was feeling sick but then got to feeling much better. Ask if there was something about the day that made her worried. Find out what was going on, at a time after the matter is settled.
2. Normalize fear. Never tell a child “you’re not afraid of something like that!” or “only a baby would be afraid of that!” If a child is afraid, he’s afraid. Let him say so without being criticized for it.
3. Be matter-of-fact. When your child says he’s feeling nervous, talk about that. Accept what he’s saying. But don’t make it your problem. Being worried is part of living an interesting life. Ask, “what’s the worst that could happen?” and talk about how he would manage “the worst.”
4. Mention it when you feel anxious or afraid. Children think that adults are always in control. When you’re feeling worried or nervous, especially about doing something new, say so. Let your child encourage you. Let her see that being anxious isn’t a reason to stop trying.
5. Manage your own worries. Don’t hover too much or let your child see you hovering over him. Don’t text him every other minute when he’s away. If you tend to be a worrier, don’t infect your child with your anxiety.

As children grow in self-confidence and experience, they are less likely to feel so overmatched by the day’s prospects that they make themselves sick with worry. Giving them the support and skills to manage themselves is a good thing to do.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Join Dr. Anderson in an online conference for teachers and parents. Find out more at Quality Conference for Early Childhood Leaders.

Your kid disagrees with everything you say. He’s sarcastic and dismissive. If you ask about his homework or something he was supposed to do, he shouts at you or accuses you of being unfair. Every encounter has become a power play. You’re not sure how things got to this point but you like to get them back to some place more civil.

Welcome to the club!  The good news here is that backtalk is a familiar part of the parent-teen/preteen experience. It’s normal. But that doesn’t mean you have to put up with it.

Backtalk might be normal but it’s not pleasant and the unpleasantness rubs off on everybody. Backtalk might be normal but that doesn’t mean you should ignore it. Instead, here are some strategies to try.

1. Stop the conversation cold.  Don’t continue with whatever you were saying at the point you got a nasty response. Just stop. Fix your kid with a steely eye and say, “Please rephrase that.”  If your child refuses to restate what she just said, the conversation is over. Walk away. You can reinforce the point you were making (“Get your room clean.” ) but don’t provide any opportunity for your teen’s reply. Turn on your heel and exit.
2. Provide a script for disagreement. Your teen is learning that he has opinions and he loves to share them. What he’s not so good at yet is making his points without inflaming an argument. But this is a key skill. Help him to learn it. Guide him in using a formula for argument that includes first restating the other person’s point and then making one opposing statement (“You want me to clean my room. But I have to meet Greg at 3:00.”). Use this formula yourself, both as a way to model good conversation and as a way to defuse your teen (“You want to meet Greg at 3:00. When will you clean your room?”).
3. Time your requests. Notice when your kid is already in a bad mood. That’s probably not the best time to ask her about her homework or even to ask her what’s wrong. Of course, teens are frequently in bad moods. Many of them are as self-centered as two-year-olds and they struggle to understand why the rest of the world doesn’t see everything their way. But being self-centered and insensitive yourself is no help. Give your agenda the best advantage you can by picking the best time to talk with your teen about what you want her to do.
4. Talk this over. Find a time when your teen is feeling mellow and talk about what bothers you about your interactions and what change you’d like to see. Be friendly and respectful and be careful not to accuse. Provide your teen with a face-saving excuse (“I know you’re under a lot of strain…”) and take care not to back him into a corner. It’s possible that he doesn’t realize that he’s being offensive. It’s only fair to tell him that.
5. Start early. Don’t wait for back-talk and disrespect to become a habit. Older elementary kids mimic what they hear bigger kids saying and they mimic what they see on TV. They may think it’s cool or funny to talk back to you, not realizing what your reaction will be. So draw the line at the first instance and be consistent in disallowing disrespect. This is an opportunity to teach the truth that there’s a time and place for everything.
6. Don’t engage with anger. Backtalk is annoying and frustrating but if you let yourself get really worked up about it and start flinging sarcasm and disrespect right back at your teen, you’re going backwards, not forwards. Be a role model, difficult though that might be. Be the mature one.

Backtalk  is more serious when it includes profanity and insults. Abusive speech is a signal of deeper problems, with your relationship with your child and with your child’s relationship to her social circle. If your teen and you or your teen’s other parent have serious issues with each other, family counseling is in order. If your teen and your partner will not go, go yourself. You need some guidance and support in handling this.

Most of the time, though, backtalk is just another opportunity for you to teach your child essential social skills. Instead of taking offense, take action.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Look for free downloads on Dr. Anderson’s website at www.patricianananderson.com.

To a certain extent, sibling rivalry is normal. Teasing, arguments, and jealousy are pretty common even among good friends and it’s reasonable to see these behaviors in kids who share the same household. But sibling rivalry can come to dominate family life and even descend into bullying. What can you do to smooth things over among your children and reduce the level of animosity?

The root cause of sibling rivalry is competition. This is obvious, since the word “rivalry” suggests a pitting of one side against another. Competition is learned. The way to reduce sibling rivalry is to reduce the level of competition in your home. Here’s how. 

Share your attention fairly. Parental attention is a zero-sum game: attention given to one child necessarily means less attention to another child. Children actively jostle for your attention, even resorting to bad behavior so you have to focus on them, and actively undermine attention you give to a brother or sister. So notice if you attend more to one child than another, if you let one child “get more” than a sibling, and if children may reasonably believe you have a favorite child (and it’s not them).

Naturally, the baby needs attention and a preschool child (or even older child) may resent all the time the baby takes. The same can be said for a child with special needs and her typically-developing siblings. Sometimes it’s just impossible to be fair in how you share attention. But at least be aware of the impact this difference has on the other children in the family. Be sympathetic and supportive. Give children fewer reasons to think you don’t love them.

Don’t pit one child against another. Making comparisons between your children, so that one feels lower in status than another or one feels higher, is obviously a trigger for sibling rivalry. Competition isn’t a very good motivator, especially when the stakes are high – and there’s nothing higher than earning a parent’s favor. Avoid comparing one child to another or suggesting that one child is faster, stronger, smarter, better looking, more responsible, or anything else than his sibling is. Instead make statements that are not comparisons: “You’re really strong” is better than “You are so much stronger than your brother is.”

Children will be competitive without you injecting competition into everything. Little kids want to be just like their older siblings, and older siblings work hard to stay ahead of the younger kids. Don’t add to the competition by setting things up yourself.

Draw the line about being mean. There is a good bit of evidence that bullying happens at home as often as it happens at school. Your children shouldn’t feel intimidated by a sibling or unsafe in their own home. Remember that bullying isn’t just physical but includes also verbal abuse and sabotage. Set clear standards for courteous behavior and make certain all your children adhere to them.

This is where favoritism creeps back in. Children believe their siblings get away with behavior they themselves are punished for. They say their parents ignore them when they complain about a sibling who is abusive. Open your eyes. If children say they are uncomfortable, they are. Deal with it.

What can you do if sibling rivalry is already a habit among your children? Besides changing your own behavior, as outlined above, what can you do to put a stop to the unkindness?

1. Identify one problem to focus on. Don’t single out any one child as the instigator: remember that almost always both parties contribute to the trouble in one way or another. Then notice your own default patterns of reaction and how you might be supporting or contributing to the problem. Settle on one frequently-occurring situation to fix.

2. Decide on a way to change the pattern. Depending on the situation and whether this is fueled by temperamental issues, developmental stuff, or just bad habits, settle on your plan of approach. This might involve changing how things happen or it might include having a talk with the kids and settling on a new way of interacting. It might mean that you arrange things so the situation doesn’t occur. It probably means you will change how you yourself react. Whatever you decide to do will signal to your kids that a change is underway.

3. Avoid setting yourself up as the referee or judge. If you sit down with your children and tell them that you will punish the next one who does X, you encourage tattling and extortion. Tattling and extortion are not what you want; you want peace and quiet. So stay positive. Work out with your children how they are to act in the problem situation in the future. Say nothing about what will happen if they don’t.

4. Go on a positive comment campaign. Notice pleasant behavior and comment on it. Notice when children resolve the problem you discussed in a positive way, even if only one child did this and his sibling did not. Mention only the good behavior, not the bad. If you’ve been commenting only on the negative stuff, you’ve been inadvertently supporting it. Ignore bad behavior as much as you can and heap praise on the good stuff. You’ll soon see more good and less bad.

When you replace unpleasant actions with more acceptable behavior, you guide your children in handling difficult situations and handling themselves. These are valuable lessons.

When you reduce the perception of favoritism and competition among your kids, you and they will get along better.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Look for free downloads on Dr. Anderson’s website at www.patricianananderson.com.

Are you trying to be your child’s “best friend forever”? Or are you a friend to your child? All kinds of strings are attached to BFFs, but a true friend should involve no strings whatsoever. Maybe it’s the qualities of a BFF parent that make us think that friendship should not enter the relationship.

All the “experts” say, “Don’t be your child’s friend.” Why not? I have a hard time understanding that point of view. Is it because we want to be able to punish, reprimand, and restrict our children? Is it because we want more power over them than a friend would have? I want to examine this friendship idea.

What is a friend? Someone you can count on; someone who is loyal, honest, and trustworthy; someone you really like and even love; someone you want in your life for a very long time; someone you empathize with who can empathize with you; someone who gives you a shoulder to cry on, listens, and understands your problems without fixing them or giving unwanted advice; someone who doesn’t talk about you behind your back but instead has your back; someone you really like being with because you can be yourself. Wouldn’t you like those qualities in a parent?

Afraid that being your child’s friend means not being able to hold him accountable because your authority would be undermined? Don’t you hold your friends accountable for their behavior? When we can’t say no to our friends, hold them accountable for certain behavior, or speak honestly, it indicates poor boundaries—not a great foundation for friendship.

The BFF Parent:

1. Alters own needs to suite child’s demands
2. Does anything to avoid child’s upset
3. Is dishonest to protect child from the “big, bad world”
4. Avoids loneliness by sharing inappropriate information
5. Demands loyalty and companionship through attached strings
6. Tries to fix child’s problems to gain love and appreciation
7. Asks child to keep secrets
8. Uses child as confidante for own problems
9. Holds back feelings to be nice, yet might blow-up in a rage
10. Insists that child has similar tastes, values, and opinions

The Parent who is also a friend:

• Enjoys spending time, hanging out with, and just being with the child
• Shares ideas, opinions, stories and encourages the same
• Learns what activities child enjoys and becomes familiar with them
• Listens and acknowledges feelings but does not take responsibility for child’s problems, upsets, or disappointments
• Shows respect and consideration in all communication and never, ever speaks disrespectfully, hurtfully, or abusively
• Laughs a lot and tells jokes
• Encourages child to find own way, follow own path, develop own values and opinions
• Is willing to speak honestly trusting the relationship will remain strong
• Behaves in way that does not betray trust
• Expresses anger and deals with child’s anger
• Is also the authority figure—someone the child looks up to, learns from and emulates because of the preceding attributes

I wonder if the qualities of friendship restrict parents too much from speaking disrespectfully and doling out whatever critical, labeling or punitive reactions arise in the heat of the moment. I wonder if being a friend to your child requires accountability that most parents don’t want to be held to. Are we afraid that our children won’t respect us if we are their friends? Don’t you respect your friends?

In the parent-child relationship, we are more than friends. We are teachers and guides; we provide for them and are responsible for their care and upbringing, but this does not preclude friendship as well. Problems arise when we try to be “best friends forever”. Or when we are not their friends.

Many small children these days spend at least one night a week with someone other than their mother. Usually, this is a result of shared parenting plans, worked out as part of a divorce. Certainly shared parenting is a good idea and studies support the active involvement of both parents in the life of infants and older children.

But a study from the University of Virginia found that babies under the age of one who spend at least one night a week away from their usual home were insecurely attached. In fact, 43% of babies with weekly overnights at their fathers’ house were insecurely attached compared to just 16% of children who visited their fathers less frequently.

Attachment is established by about age 10 months. Secure attachment appears to provide lifelong advantages in social relationships and self-confidence.

Notice that there’s no magic in staying every night with Mom. If the father is the more-connected parent and the child spends most of her time in Dad’s home, then the same issue would be a factor in overnight stays at the mother’s home. It’s not that mothers confer any advantage. It’s that infants need consistency and even a one-night-per-week disruption of that damages the formation of secure attachment.

Notice also that the problem with inconsistency isn’t limited to divorced parents who share parenting. Families in which the more-connected parent travels extensively for business and is away from home one night per week may find the same problem with attachment develops. While in this case, the baby is at least sleeping in his usual crib at night, attachment with a main caregiver may be at risk.

So what can parents do? One of the researchers said, “I would like infants and toddlers to be securely attached to two parents, but I am more worried about them being securely attached to zero parents.” Ensuring the future mental health and social strengths of babies seems a worthy reason to adjust parents’ lives.

1. In families affected by divorce, parents should limit severely the number of nights an infant spends away from her usual home. Instead, babies can spend more time during the day with their secondary caregiver.

2. In families in which frequent travel takes the primary caregiver away, efforts could be made to make the alternate parent the primary one. This parent could work from home, be responsible for all the care and activities a main caregiver provides, and otherwise fill the role of main parent. Obviously, it is best if this arrangement is established before the baby is born, instead of trying to change things after the mother goes back to work after her maternity leave.

3. For all families, results from the study suggest that after a child’s first birthday, weekly sleepovers can gradually be introduced. By the time a child is an older preschooler – age four or thereabouts – he can divide his time equally between Mom’s house and Dad’s house without ill effect.

No one ever said that having a baby would be convenient. Catering to the attachment needs of a small child can seem unnecessary, especially since the effects of poor attachment may not be noticeable right away.

But children need a sense of security and care. It’s up to moms and dads together to make that so.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Developmentally Appropriate Parenting, at your favorite bookstore.

Everyone wants to find love. There is nothing more human than wanting to love and be loved. Teenagers are experiencing this for the very first time, and it can be intense and passionate. The emotions involved are real and often extreme, and teen relationships are often marked by plenty of ups, downs, and intensity.

It is not unusual for a teenager to find themselves planning out their future with someone, even though they are only 15 or 16 years old. The rational part of their brain knows that spending the rest of their life with someone they meet in 10th or 11th grade is unlikely, but their heart is telling them that this person is the one.

Unfortunately, first loves are often followed by first heartbreaks. It is almost inevitable that your teen will experience the devastation of a breakup at some point. When it happens, they will feel awful, like their world has come crashing down upon them. They will not know what to do or how to deal with it. It will occupy their thoughts and their dreams, and they won’t see an end in sight.

Do you even remember how awful it feels? You and I know that they will eventually be just fine, but there is no way they can imagine that during the initial heartbreak. One day you will be able to help them reflect back and hope that they learned something from the failed relationship, even if that knowledge doesn’t bring anyone comfort in the moment.

How can you help your teen cope with the end of a relationship? Let’s start with what not to do. As difficult as it might be to watch your child suffer in pain, just be there to listen and to comfort your grieving teen. Don’t offer unsolicited advice. Don’t say that you never liked their partner or that there are more fish in the sea. This is not helpful. Do normalize their grief and let them know how sorry you are that they are going through this.

It is important to recognize that the loss of a relationship is actually the death of hopes and dreams that they had with this person. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross describes 5 stages of grief. Normalize this for your teenager, and explain it to them. Give them permission to go through each and every stage in their own time. Respect them during the process, and be there to offer support. Nobody experiences this quite the same as another, but it seems that everyone eventually moves through these stages, not necessarily in any particular order. Talk to your teen about these stages and guide them through. Help them understand what to expect, and eventually there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

1. During this stage, they might be in a bit of shock that this breakup has happened. Maybe they thought things were going so well, and they feel blindsided. Perhaps there were signs of trouble that they just ignored, because they were sure it would get better. They’re feeling like this cannot be happening, and teens will often continue to pursue their former partner during this time, sometimes even obsessively, as if they could not live without him or her.
2. This is the part when they get mad. Really mad. They might blame their former partner and have some choice words for them. They might even blame themselves and feel stupid for having allowed themselves to be so vulnerable. Sometimes, they might have regrets about being intimate or having lost their virginity with this person. They might even blame you or another person for somehow messing up this relationship.
3. This is also known as negotiating. During this stage, it is very common for teens to beg for their partner to return to them. Some of the things people often say when bargaining are, “Please just give me one more chance” or “I promise to change”. Basically, they are feeling like they would do just about anything if they could just hold on to this relationship.
4. This stage is often marked by despair and isolation. This is when they will cry until they don’t think that they could possibly have any tears left. They have tried, but cannot fix it and cannot persuade their former partner to stay. It is over, and that is starting to sink in.
5. They have felt the pain and maybe even learned and grown from the experience. They are no longer living in the past, wishing for something that is gone. Rather, they are ready to move forward, and have their eyes set on the future. They are hopeful about what will be happening in their life, and they are ready for a new potential partner.

Dealing with a breakup and all the feelings that come with it can be very difficult and painful, but all of that is completely normal. Remind your teen that there is nothing wrong with them, just that the relationship was wrong for them. Try not to allow them to isolate and wallow too much in their misery. Encourage them to accept support from friends and family, and surround themselves with those who really love them. Respect their boundaries. Try to have them get involved or stay involved in things that make them feel happy. And, just as you would if someone close to you died, give them permission to grieve, to feel the pain, and ultimately to heal.

It’s hard enough being a teen these days, without any added problems or pressures.  But when teens’ parents are never around, things can get really tough.  While many teens might think that having total freedom and no parents to boss them around and nag them would be a dream come true, the reality is that it’s not the wonderful life that it sounds like it would be.

As parents, you don’t have to give in to what your teen wants.  Your teen might want total independence, but they need you to be a parent. It is hard, lonely and anxiety provoking for a teen to be basically on their own before they are developmentally ready for that enormous responsibility.

Think about all of the things that a parent typically does or helps their teenager do: make sure they’re awake for school and get them there on time, pack a lunch or give them money for lunch, ask about homework and tests, prepare dinner and clean up, keep things clean and tidy, get them to extra-curricular activities, help utilize available resources as needed, communicate with the school about important things, schedule doctor’s appointments and do so much more.

It’s true that as a teenager, your teen should be taking on more of more of these responsibilities for themselves, but that doesn’t mean they are ready to be thrown full force ahead into an adult life all at once.  As much as teenagers might not to want to admit it, they still need their parents.  They need them for love and support, structure, guidance and boundaries.  Without all of these things, it is difficult to navigate the transition from teen to adult.

Why are these things all so important?  Let’s take a look.

• Guidance – this is all of the gentle pushing and prodding and lecturing that parents do. It’s reminding your teen not to use drugs and to have safe sex.  It’s leading by example and telling them to stay in school and even go to college.  It’s helping guide your child in the right direction for a successful future.
• Love – let’s face it. Everyone needs and deserves to be loved.  A parent’s love is unconditional, so you should always be there for your teen, even when they make a mistake or bad decision.  There is a lot of comfort in knowing that they are loved, and it is so important for their self-esteem.
• Support – this means that when your teen fails, you still encourage him to get back up and try again. When he is stressed or having a tough time, you try to help him out.
• Structure – this means that parents don’t just let their teens lay around all the time doing nothing. You build some structure into their lives.  You make sure they have things to do and a time to do them, hopefully including chores, homework, family time and friends.
• Boundaries – these are so important in life, and your kids must learn these at home. This could be anything from curfew, speaking respectfully, and basically not just letting them do whatever they want whenever they want to. Without boundaries, people have trouble in the real world, and end up acting like entitled jerks.

All of these are crucial to your teen’s transition from a teenager into a secure, stable and successful adult.  Unfortunately for many of you, there are many circumstances that make it so you can’t be around as much as you’d like to be. If this it the case, there are some things you can do to make sure your teens aren’t dealing with more than they are ready for all on their own.

• Check in with your child frequently throughout the day. Make sure they know they have to be accountable.  Teens who know their parents hold them accountable tend to make better decisions.
• Help your teen find a mentor. This could be a “big brother” or “big sister,” a coach, a friend’s parent, a teacher, or even a neighbor.  Make sure it is someone you respect and look up to, and let them know your situation.  Most caring adults are happy to step in and help.
• Make sure your teen has plenty of structure in her day. Don’t allow her to just sleep all day and lay around.  Expect her to get up and go to school, get involved in something productive outside of school, like sports or a youth group.  Have her find a part-time job and just encourage her to keep herself busy with positive things.
• Remind your teen that he knows right from wrong and that he will have to decide what kind of person he wants to be. Discuss with him that he can be a problem teen who ruins his own future by making bad decisions, or he can be an upstanding person who has a bright future.
• Make it clear that school must be a priority. Education is knowledge, and knowledge is power.  Remind your teen that she can be anything she wants to be if she works hard enough.
• Build a supportive network of people that your family loves and trusts, and that your teen feels close to. These can be other family members, friends, people on a team, etc.  They will be there to catch your teen when she needs someone.
• Tell you child how much you love him. Help him believe in himself.  Make sure he knows he is worthy and lovable and unique and talented.  Encourage him to follow his dreams and not let anything stand in the way.
• There is a silver lining. Even though things might be tough on you and your teen right now, he’s getting a head start on responsibility and adulthood.  This can give your teen an advantage in the years to come.

If you have ever smoked, dabbled in drugs, or drank beer or harder stuff you probably remember the first time you did any of those things and the reason you tried them. Most likely the reasons included wanting to go along with a peer who already used them and also simple curiosity.

Kids who “turn to drugs,” as the phrase goes,  don’t do it to be delinquent or even to experience the high or buzz. The first time is more social or experimental. And once kids are past the first time, the second time is easy. That’s why using is such a risky business.

You can see that your child’s reasons for trying risky behaviors are the same impulses you’ve encouraged throughout his childhood: appreciation of good friends and a lively interest in the world. So what can you do now that these prosocial impulses are tinged with danger?

First, avoid adding to the reasons:

• If you drink, smoke or use in any way, don’t indulge in front of the kids.
• If you drink, smoke or use, don’t share things with your children, not even the Thanksgiving chardonnay.
• And don’t be so harsh and restrictive that doing drugs, drinking, and smoking are made attractive as ways to get back at you.

And then, do what you can:

• Talk to your kids about substance abuse, early and often.
• Pay attention and if you find evidence, ask nicely about it.
• Notice their friends who are using and ask about them too.
• Listen – but expect to be lied to.

Kids outgrow this fixation on substances if they live to grow at all. It’s worth it to keep trying until that happens.

The Sorcerer’s Broom

Do you remember the story of “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice”? Mickey Mouse played the apprentice in Fantasia. In the story, a wizard’s serving boy succeeds in making a broom come to life, but then he can’t control it. He tries to chop it to bits but the bits just become more brooms and make more mischief. The poor apprentice can’t get ahead of the train of events that he set in motion.

Trying to get ahead of the danger-of-the-day is like that. By the time parents figure out what mischief teens are in to and take steps to warn them away, the kids are on to something new. Adults can never quite catch up.

So building a sense of responsibility and that elusive ability to foresee the outcome of one’s actions is the only certain way to safeguard kids against dangers you can’t even imagine. Long before your child will be tempted (which means long before she gets to middle school) give her chances to make small decisions. Let her see how things come out and evaluate her choices.

Doing this with small decisions over time during childhood will give your child the skills she needs to think things through later when risky temptations come her way.