How do you deal with a tween or teen who
you know is acting badly because of puberty mood-swings? For that matter, how do you even talk to a puberty-crazed teen? They usually don’t make any sense.

So how do you deal with a puberty-crazed teen?  Very, very carefully.  ;^)  Well, I’m joking there, but it’s a good serious answer, too.  Here are some thoughts to keep in mind when thinking about or interacting with your teenager or pre-teen:

1. Teenagers do NOT have a fully developed brain yet!  I’m specifically talking about the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that has the best abilities to control impulses, make wise decisions, predict consequences/outcomes, etc.  You are NOT dealing with a little adult.  They may be big and smart, but their brains simply don’t have the abilities that yours do, yet. Try to remind, then, to be more patient and forgiving of their mistakes and missteps.
2. Do more listening than talking.  It’s pretty common that we as parents talk too much, anyway.  There’s a famous saying about how we have 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason…  Teens are sensitive to criticism and control, so saying 10% less than you usually would will likely make a significant difference to them.  You’ll still make your opinions known, of course, but just try to listen more than talk.
3. When teens get upset, they need a parent who doesn’t get upset right along with them.  The more peaceful you are, the better things are going to turn out.
4. Is your teen being rude to you?  Consider making your response be less about punishment, and more about how it makes you feel when they are rude.  “Honey, it hurts my feelings a little when you roll your eyes when I talk to you.”  It’s an honest response, and is supportive of the parent-child relationship.
5. Sometimes taking a time-out allows both parent and child to physiologically calm down.  Just agree to disagree for a while, if you can, and take a break.  Go for a walk, drink a glass of water, call a friend for some empathy and support.  Come back to the discussion later, when both of you are more peaceful and see if that doesn’t help things go more smoothly.
6. Take care of your body, and try to help your teens take care of theirs.  Sleep, sleep, and more sleep, plus healthy nutrition and daily exercise will all go a very long way towards moderating those crazy teen mood swings (and in helping you to deal with them better yourself.)

Finally, remember that the developmental job of a teenager is to gain independence, and the path they take to that independence is often full of mistakes, and executed in a messy way.  Try not to get distracted by the missteps, and instead focus on the healthy process of becoming more independent.  They won’t be crazy forever.  ;^)

Your older elementary grade or middle school child is suddenly pretty stinky… you know, underarm stink. Instead of holding your nose, try to think of this as a good thing: your little child is growing up!

Body odor is triggered by puberty and is one of the earlier signs of development. Especially after an hour of soccer or something similarly active, children from about age 10 on can smell quite strongly.

There are several ways to approach the issue of stinkiness and the sooner the better. The new focus of attention you will introduce to your child is important to his or her social acceptability now and into the future. Don’t spend time tiptoeing around this issue. Start now this five-point program for a sweet-smelling child:

One: Focus on scents. The sense of smell is something most of us take for granted. We let scents go by without much notice. Change that. Invite your child to notice the smell of cookies, the odor of candle smoke, the fragrance of clean laundry, the whiff of pine trees. Build scent awareness just by paying attention.

Two: Heighten hygiene. Even if your child takes daily baths or showers there’s no telling what parts are getting washed and how well. So have a heart-to-heart talk with your child around the responsibility, now that she’s older, to step up the cleanliness quotient. Spell out the need for a daily cleansing with soap and the special need for attention to potentially stinky body areas. Talk about the need for clean clothes every day. Talk about the need to shampoo hair often. You or your child’s same-sex parent should take him out to buy his own soap or body wash and his own shampoo. Let him sample the fragrances of the various products and even settle on his own “signature” scent.

Three: Tweak the laundry. It is easier to remove smells from cotton and other natural fibers than from synthetics, so keep that in mind when buying clothes for your older child. Ask your child to spray prewash on the underarms of his shirts before tossing them in the laundry. This helps him participate in keeping his clothes fresh. Sports jerseys of polypropylene and similar synthetics are notorious for holding odors and also are notorious for being worn day after day without being washed. Make it a rule that jerseys are for sports only, not for school, and ask your child’s coach to let you purchase at least a second jersey so one can be worn while the other is washed.

Four: Go deodorant shopping. Remember to make this a rite of passage – a good thing – not a punishment or something to be ashamed of. Let your child choose the product (sample scents again) and the method of application that she likes. Start with a deodorant-only product (not an antiperspirant) and be sure to check the label for parabens, a chemical additive you want to avoid.

Five: Be tactful. Kids have the same capacity for embarrassment that you do so slant the conversation about body odor in as positive a light as you can. Developing a mature odor profile is a natural part of growing up and not something your child is doing on purpose to make you miserable. Be matter-of-fact, don’t wrinkle your nose in public, and let your child make some of the decisions.

At the same time, comment favorably on your child’s nice fragrance when he emerges from the shower, has just shampooed his hair or has applied that deodorant he picked out himself after sampling every option on the drugstore shelves.

Hearing, “Mmmm…. You smell nice!” is a lovely motivator!

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

Parents of infants, toddlers and preschoolers are well aware of the value of milk in creating strong bones and teeth. But few parents realize that exercise is also necessary to good bone formation. And even fewer parents understand that bone development – and the need for milk and action – are just as important in older childhood as they are in the early years.

Between the ages of 9 and 15, children do more growing than at any other time of their lives. Their bones grow to 90 percent of their adult size and density. Yet this is the same time that children may not get what their bones need. Unlike in their early years, when Mom and Dad made certain they drank their milk and when running around was just about all they did, older elementary school and middle-school kids may favor other beverages and other ways to spend their time.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, only about 15% of high school drink milk regularly and only 9% of high school girls do. Yet Federal health officials recommend that children between 9 and 18 get 1,300 mg of calcium each day, the equivalent of 4 or 5 glasses of milk.

Certainly kids can get calcium in other ways. Yogurt and cheese and some vegetables contain calcium. But the best source – the source that is lowest in calories and highest in calcium and vitamin D (needed for calcium absorption) – is still milk. One glass of skim milk has the same number of calories as an apple.

But calcium and vitamin D are only half the story. Exercise is essential for bone development too. One recent study found that just 15 minutes of exercise, in the form of jumping up and down between classes at school, added mass to children’s leg  bones. Older people who worry about thinning bones and osteoporosis know that exercise is needed to add bone density. Even in building the skeleton, the body follows a use-it-or-lose-it protocol: more use of the body builds the body, not just muscles but bones too.

Yet many preteens and teens do not get the exercise they need. Another recent study found that preteen boys average less than half the minimum time in active exercise needed each day and that preteen girls average less than one-third.

Here’s the bottom line: older children are younger than you think. They are still developing physically and they still need careful nutrition and plenty of exercise to develop strong bodies. But older children are easily misled into thinking that diet soda and studying hard are the keys to their future success.

Be the parent here. Help your older kids and teens make good choices, choice that will ensure their good health.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Dr. Anderson will be in Atlanta, GA on December 10 and 11, speaking at the National Head Start Association’s Parent Conference. Email her at [email protected] for details or to set up a presentation to your group in the Atlanta area on one of those dates.