I recently overhead a mother sharing with other mothers that she knew who the most popular girl was in her second graders class. She knew exactly where her daughter fit in with this girl and even shopped for clothes similar to what the popular girls wore. The mother also shared that she was ecstatic that her daughter was invited to the popular girl’s birthday party.

Does this sound like you?

All too often, the “top” child becomes the “most popular” child and all the other children fall into line depending on the favor bestowed upon them by this most popular kid. There are winners and losers here.

Naturally, this is not a good scene. No one wants her son or daughter to be unpopular or left out. But this is where we parents lose our good sense and make things worse. If we buy into this popularity thing, being happy when the “most popular” child invites our own kid over to play and otherwise worrying about our child’s social status, we add to the problem. We become accomplices in what is a dangerous game.

There can only be one winner in the popularity sweepstakes. If – for now, anyway – your own child is the most popular one, she is anxious about keeping her standing. She is likely to become nasty and manipulative of others – threatening to drop friends who don’t do as she says or encouraging others to join her in verbal bullying of other kids. The queen of the heap only stays queen if she can control her subjects. In supporting your most-popular child, you are helping to create a social monster.

There’s only one winner but many losers in the popularity game, and it’s likely your child is one of these. If she’s near the top of the friendship rankings, she may be plotting a coup by spreading rumors about children more popular than she. If your child is nearer the bottom of the friendship rankings, she may be depressed, unhappy, and even unwilling to go to school or play with other kids. Either way, your child is in danger, of becoming mean and nasty or of becoming isolated and discouraged.

To a certain extent, this jockeying for position happens naturally among groups of kids and is fluid enough to be of only passing concern for parents. But when moms and dads actively participate in the popularity game, by keeping track of the social standing of their child and their child’s friends, then there will be trouble ahead.

1. No matter how much your own popularity mattered to you in school, don’t project your anxiety onto your son or daughter. Don’t live through them or try to fix your own life by manipulating theirs.
2. As much as possible, let your children figure out their own social relationships and settle their own social problems. How will they learn to handle conflict and negotiate solutions if you’re always interfering? Their friends are their business, not yours.
3. Accentuate the positive. Say only nice things about other children and avoid comparing one child’s clothes/toys/vacations/ pets to other children’s. These are kids. Why are you obsessed with them and their stuff?
4. Reject bullying behavior wherever it happens. It’s bullying to call people names, lie about them, uninvite them to your birthday party and threaten rejection just as much as it’s bullying to steal lunch money and hit people. Don’t look the other way when your own child is a verbal bully and support your child when he’s the victim of verbal bullying.
5. Most of all, don’t play into the hands of those who want to rank children by popularity (or intelligence or athletic ability or anything else). Refuse to participate in these conversations. Imagine that others talked about your own rank on the prettiness scale. You wouldn’t like it one bit!

High school taught a lot of us that popularity matters. Most adults outgrow this delusion. Remember that who is the most popular doesn’t translate in any way to life success. What does translate is feeling supported and appreciated.

That’s what every child needs.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Join Dr. Anderson in an online conference for teachers and parents. Find out more at Quality Conference for Early Childhood Leaders.

Every grade has one: the popular group. These are the kids who are the trendsetters. Lots of kids do what they do and want what they have. In-crowd wanna-bes vie for the attention of the popular kids and are happy or not depending on how included they feel.

Then there are the Populars themselves. They may not have any idea why they are admired and imitated but mostly they’re pleased to be the center of attention. For some Populars, this status is a bargaining chip, useful in getting Wanna-bes to save them seats on the bus.

And always there are the Outs. These kids are on the margins, maybe by choice, maybe not. However they landed on the Outside, the Outs are everything the Populars are not.

Whether your child is a member of the in-group or in its orbit or so far removed from the in-group he might be in a different universe, the activity of this clique is important to you as a parent.  While you cannot manage what the in-group does, you can influence how its actions affect your child.

Your Popular Child. With great power comes great responsibility. Your task as the parent of a popular child is to make this point and help your child keep some perspective. He may have the makings of a natural leader, but it’s important that he have the character of a great one.

This is not easy for a young person, who might believe he is admired for his good looks, his God-given athletic ability, or his economic advantages. Since none of these are qualities he did anything to acquire, a sense of humility is in order. And, also, since none of these qualities is sufficient to lead others, he has to cultivate the behaviors that are: kindness, helpfulness, generosity of spirit, and compassion. You’ve got to help your Popular child to keep it real.

Your Wanna-Be Child. Aspiring to be something one is not and has little ability to become is a frustrating path. Your task as the parent of a child who desperately wants to be included among the most popular kids is to help her see alternative paths and to value the path she is on right now.

To do this right, it’s important to say nothing bad about the popular kids. They didn’t ask for their status any more than asking has been successful for your own child. But at the same time, try not to join in the hero-worship. This means you won’t try to manipulate things to position your child more favorably or contribute to the impulse to imitate. Instead you will continue to admire and celebrate the great kid you have and to help her become a sought-after friend in her own way.

Your Outsider Child. Your outsider child might be completely unconcerned by all the attention the Populars get. This child may be marching to a different drummer in a perfectly satisfied way and that’s great. Support this and be careful not to wish your child was “more” anything. If your child is happy, be happy too.

But your Outsider child might be marching to the Popular tune, just in the opposite direction. Pay attention if your child isn’t oblivious to the popular group but instead seems to be actively striving to define its flip-side. Assuming that the popular group is reasonably law-abiding, your Outsider child’s efforts to define herself as completely not-In may lead her on a dangerous course. Notice if your Outsider-and-Flaunting-It kid has her own clique composed of the most-dodgy classmates.

No matter what your child’s spot in the kids social order, don’t be complacent. Pay attention and provide guidance if guidance seems needed.

©2012, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not going to suggest you start nasty rumors about your kid so his friends won’t like him so much. Being popular and having a lot of friends is a good thing.

But if your child isn’t one of the in crowd you might just thank your lucky stars. Being popular comes with risks.

In a recent study, researchers found that teens who were the most popular at age 13 were mired in problems 10 years later. The scientists followed 180 children from public schools in the Southeastern United States for a decade until age 22 or 23, along the way interviewing them, their parents, and their friends.  After 10 years, kids who were part of the popular gang in early adolescence had a 45 percent higher incidence of drug and alcohol abuse than less-popular teens, leading to missed work and DUI arrests among the popular kids. They were also more likely to have been arrested for a crime.

Lead researcher Joseph Allen reports that although in middle school and high school the most popular kids seemed to be on a social fast-track, doing more dating, going more places, and having more fun than other teens, at age 22 these same people’s friends described them as less mature than other 20-year-olds.

What does this mean for your child?

If she’s not part of the most popular group, don’t make it your mission to put her there. Popularity is a two-edged sword and doesn’t necessarily lead to a life of social success. Make raising your child to be an interesting, friendly, engaged person the goal and downplay popularity and status.

If your child is one of the popular ones, keep an eye on things. Remember that research studies necessarily deal in generalities and it’s doubtful that all the popular kids in this study became social outcasts after high school. Your popular child’s path may be different from the general findings of research. But certainly kids who maintain their popularity into their 20s have more going for them than just being cool. They are interesting, friendly, and engaged people.

People like them, not because they’re popular, but because they’re nice.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Parenting: A Field Guide, at your favorite bookstore.