Most parents know that being overly negative and harsh can turn children into bullies or victims of bullies. It’s something of a surprise to discover that being overly kind and protective runs the same risks.

The link between negative parenting and bullying behavior makes sense. Kids copy what they’ve experienced at home so children who’ve been pushed around by their parents push others around themselves. In addition, children of harsh parents are at risk of becoming victims of bullies, since kids in these families have become used to being pushed around and may not know how to stand up for themselves.

A recent study conducted by researchers at the University of Warwick found this lack of self-reliance a factor for children of over-protective parents. These children, who are sheltered by mom and dad from managing their own affairs, have few resources for dealing with bullies. These kids can be viewed as easy targets, who are likely to cave in to a bully’s demands, because they have had little experience in standing up for themselves.

The study’s lead author, Dieter Wolke, points out that parenting that is warmly affectionate but that also supports children’s independence leads to the best outcomes for kids. Children of these “respectful” parents have learned through experience how to handle dicey situations and they also know their parents care what happens to them. Unlike children raised in either punitive or permissive households, these children have the social skills and problem solving strategies to stay out of trouble.

Bullying, of course, is not simply a childhood phenomenon. As Wolke points out, “The long shadow of bullying falls well beyond the school playground — it has lasting and profound effects into adulthood.” Both bullies and their victims have a higher risk of developing physical health problems as adults, are more likely to suffer depression and anxiety disorders as they grow to adulthood, and are at greater risk of self-harm and suicide.

What this study confirms is that bullying behavior is not just a school problem and it cannot be solved by school interventions. Bullying behavior and its complement, victim behavior, are learned at home, in the interactions between parents and children.

Most of all, despite the worry parents naturally feel about their children becoming victims of schoolyard bullies, the solution is not overprotection. The solution lies in helping children feel confident about their abilities. Here are some hints:
1. Let children solve their own problems unless there is obvious danger or abuse.
2. Teach children strategies for negotiating conflict, including simply walking away.
3. Most of all, use parenting techniques that are neither permissive nor punitive, but that walk a middle path of guidance and support.

As researcher Wolke says, smart parents “allow children to have some conflicts with peers to learn how to solve them rather than intervene at the smallest argument.”

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

Parenting on the rebound from traditional, autocratic styles, whether it was how we were brought up or how many others we know were, most of us want the opposite for our children. The problem is, the opposite doesn’t serve our children either.

When we react to children’s behavior, we often compensate and go to extremes. For example, if I think my spouse is too hard on our kids, I will compensate for his parenting by being more permissive. He’s doing the same thing and compensating for my permissiveness. The interesting thing is that alone with the kids, neither of us is as tough or as soft as when we are all together.

Our parenting is in a state of compensation. If we don’t want to hit and shame our kids to get them to obey, we may fall victim to praising them to death. “You’re the best”, “You are so smart”, and “Good job” are easy to slip into when our little darlings are tiny and development is taking them along that wondrous trajectory. But this is the time habits start forming. These seemingly harmless expressions of pride we feel when our infants and toddlers are engaging in normally expected behavior can be the slippery slope into empty praise, cynical children, and entitled teens.

We live in the culture of “good jobbing” our children. “Good job” has become the new automatic whenever a child does something at all positive. Therein lies the problem. It is an evaluation, a judgment, a reward. It is conditional on the child doing something pleasing. Harmless when responding to a toddler learning to walk or pile up blocks but detrimental as time goes on when the child comes to either expect the praise, depend on it, demand it, or distrust and doubt it. A child needs concentrated, undisturbed time to discover the attributes of the blocks. “Good jobbing” him distracts him from his work and keeps him focused on his parent’s vigilance.

It also gets parents in the habit of praise leading the parent into a dependency on it and belief that the child requires it to do well. The truth is that many studies have shown that praise actually inhibits a child’s motivation to try harder and accomplish more. Praise is the proverbial carrot that children either reach for and grab (“I’m the best”) or miss (“I’m a loser”) or dismiss and grow cynical about (“I don’t trust you”). Never does it encourage self-evaluation, self-motivation, and self-esteem. That comes from an internal source developed best when a parent neither praises nor criticizes, but acts as a sounding board for whatever the child presents–being there, listening, accepting, encouraging.

Can we trust our children’s development enough to know that they will progress without our praise? Without stickers, gold stars and As in every subject? Praise and rewards foster children who either need it, look for it, and demand it—“Do you like this mommy? Is it good? Are you happy? Aren’t I special?”—or distrust it, dismiss it, or deny it—“What are you talking about? It sucks.”

Be aware of your language, put more thought into your responses, and stay away from the “good jobbing” slippery slope. Pay attention to what will develop your child’s internal moderator—right from the beginning.

Instead of “good job” try:

• Saying nothing; simply watch (most of the time).
• “You can balance on those boards.”
• “I know you can figure that out.”
• “You helped your sister when she needed a hand.”
• “I appreciate your help when I have so much to do.”
• “This is a hard project and I believe you can do it when you put your mind to it.”
• “This is a tough lesson to swallow.”
• “You walked from that chair over to the table!”

If you’re like most parents, you’re frustrated because your child just sits there while you clear the dishes, feed the dog, straighten up the family room, and make the beds. No matter how old or young your children are, they seem to feel entitled to a life of leisure while you do all the work. Why is this? What are you doing wrong? And, more importantly, how can you fix this situation?

How can you get your kids to pitch in and help?

Let’s start with the children themselves. The first big problem is that kids don’t see what needs to be done. Kids just don’t notice that things are messy or that you need a hand opening the door or that the baby is fussing because he can’t reach a toy. Children are naturally self-absorbed. If what we want is for children to see their opportunity to help without be asked, then we’ve got to train them in what to look for.

Second, helpfulness is a learned skill. Becoming aware of others’ needs and being helpful doesn’t just happen. Children need to be taught how to be helpful. But we often don’t do this. It takes time to teach someone how to make a bed and we don’t have any extra time. It’s messy to let our kids feed the dog or gather up the trash. It’s quicker and neater to just do it ourselves. But when we do it all, our kids don’t learn how to do things on their own.

And, third, we make excuses for our children. We think they’re too young. We think they need more free time. We think they should do their homework instead. When we make excuses, we send the message that housework is reserved only for people (us) who have nothing better to do. Or we send the message that our children are incompetent and cannot do housework well enough to suit us. Neither of these messages is true and neither enhances children’s development of responsibility.

Part of being an adult is being able to manage one’s own affairs, make decisions, and anticipate the needs of others. When children are allowed to do chores and are taught how to do them well, they learn important skills. They feel good about themselves. If your kids hate doing chores and can’t see when they could be helpful, then you’ve made doing chores and being helpful a negative experience. It’s time to turn that around.

Ask nicely. Say what you want your child to do, when you want her to do it, and make it a request, not an order. Say, “Before you watch any TV, can you please take the recycling out to the bin?” Make sure you have her attention before you start. Make sure you get a “yes” or even a “yeah, sure” when you finish. If you don’t, get her attention and ask her again.

Don’t micromanage. Making a bed isn’t all that difficult to do and, really, so long as it’s done, it doesn’t matter how well it’s done. So when you ask your child to make his bed, avoid giving him detailed instructions on how to do it. Just ask him to make the bed. If you think he makes the bed badly and if this matters today – maybe your mother is coming to visit – then say, “Grandma is coming over so try to make your bed really neatly this time, okay?” Make sure you get a “yes” or a “yeah, sure” and you’re done.

Say “thank you.” Look your child in the eye, smile warmly and just say it. Say “thanks for feeding the cat.” This is not the time to add, “but next time don’t leave a trail of cat food between the bag and his dish.” Don’t criticize, just say “thanks.” Tomorrow, ask your child to feed the cat and suggest that she try not to drop kibble on the floor or that she pick it up if she does. Another day, another attempt. Today, just be grateful it was done at all.

Children will do just about anything for your sincere thanks. Children love being helpful and important and they want you to be happy. So make helping out a happy experience. Give them the skills and tools for doing a task, ask them to do one, and then thank them when they’re done. This isn’t all that difficult. You can do this.

Remember that the main reason for kids to do chores is not so much the chores themselves, those it’s nice to have some of those done. The main reason is to teach children responsibility and initiative and to learn some task-related skills. What you are doing here is developing attitudes and character. It’s worth the time it takes you.

Make helping out a habit at your house. Make it a friendly, cooperative thing, not a controlling, ordering-people-around thing. Let your kids contribute and be recognized for it. They’ll be eager to do more.

© 2015, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Look for free downloads on Dr. Anderson’s website at www.patricianananderson.com.

You know how this goes. You do something or offer something and your child frowns. He crosses his arms and ducks his head. He glares at you. He pouts. Maybe he lets a tear slide down his cheek.

“Oh! We don’t have any macaroni and cheese. We’re all out!” you say. Your child looks at you with angry eyes.

You’re surprised. You had no idea he would act this way. You want to understand, to make things better. But you can’t make things better. Your child has decided to make you pay.

It’s amazing, when you think about it, the young age at which children learn to sulk. Most are masters by age four or even younger. Many continue to send you on a guilt trip throughout their childhoods and into their teens. There seems to be nothing you can do about it.

You can apologize. “I’m sorry. I thought we had some mac-n-cheese but we must’ve eaten it.” Usually this falls on deaf ears. An apology only confirms your child in the belief that you have failed miserably as a parent. Making you feel badly is exactly what your child had in mind. An apology sometimes works but most likely won’t.

You can offer alternatives. “How about some spaghetti? You like spaghetti.” A child may accept an alternative but not instead of what she originally wanted. She still wants what you didn’t have and she is still holding you accountable for that. Offering a substitute only means you’ll pay twice, for the substitution and for whatever was wanted in the first place.

You can try to cheer your child up. “Oh, come on! Mac-n-cheese has holes in it!!!” But this never works. Your child doesn’t want to be made happier; he’s happy enough putting you through your paces. Your child sees your efforts at being cheerful as a denial of the seriousness of your crime. He will sulk harder, since you obviously don’t understand!

You can growl, telling your child to snap out of it, or “straighten up and fly right,” as my father used to say. This doesn’t work very well. From the child’s perspective she’s being punished now for exposing the truth. You have failed but she’s being yelled at for it. Unfair!

The only technique that works is refusing to play your part. Be pleasant but ignore the sulk. “Oh. We don’t have any macaroni and cheese. We’re all out. Is there anything you’d like instead? No? Okay. Well, tell me if you change your mind.” And then go about your business.

Sulking is a performance. It has to have an audience. No audience, no show.

When your child does come around, saying maybe, “If I can’t have macaroni and cheese, can I have a peanut butter sandwich?” answer as if no sulking has happened. Pick up where you left off, not where the sulking began. This means you shouldn’t say anything about the sulking. Don’t say, “That’s better!” or “I’m glad you’ve decided to be nice now” or anything like that. Let the sulking be something that evaporated.

But if your child says instead, “If I can’t have macaroni and cheese, can I have some candy?” just smile and shake your head. Suggesting an alternative your child knows you won’t agree to is the start of another sulk-session.

Don’t play along!

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Developmentally Appropriate Parenting, at your favorite bookstore.

Has this ever happened to you? You ask a friend a question and get a response that’s not really an answer. It’s sort of vague. So you ask again and get a different, equally vague reply. You’d like to know, yes or no, but you’re left unsure. You’re stuck, unable to know what to do, since you don’t know her answer.

If you’ve ever been in a situation like this, then maybe you can appreciate what it’s like sometimes to be a kid, especially a kid of sensitive, caring parents who hate to say “no.” It can be frustrating and confusing. Sometimes being in this situation feels like having a license to do whatever you want, since you can’t get a clear answer from mom and dad.

A child asks, “May I have a cookie?” Her parent says, “Why don’t you go play outside?” Any child would be confused by this: did Mom not hear me clearly? Did she mean, “Take a cookie outside”?

Another child asks, “Can I go play with Roger and Molly?” His parent says, “Did you clean your room?” Most kids would interpret this to mean, “if your room is clean – or when your room is clean – you may go.” But maybe that’s not what Dad meant. Maybe he was just trying to delay saying “no.”

Many of us hate to say “no.” We don’t want to stifle our children and we hate to deny them anything. We want them to be happy. And we think that saying “no” will make our children unhappy.

In addition, sometimes we realize that our impulse to say “no” is purely arbitrary. There’s no real reason why playing with Roger and Molly isn’t okay, but we just don’t have time right now to deal with it. It’s easier to just say “no.” But because saying “no” for no good reason seems unfair, we don’t want to say it. So we say something else.

Here’s the thing, though. Being told “no” isn’t what makes children unhappy. What makes children unhappy is being ignored or deceived. It’s much better to simply say, “no, I don’t think so” than to string a child along with a vague response. If you can give the reason for the no, so much the better: “No cookie. It’s too close to dinner time,” is a clear response. Even “No, I don’t think you can go play with Roger and Molly. I’m just too busy right now to even think about that” is more honest than linking play with a clean room.

Sometimes we avoid saying “no” because we don’t want the arguments we think will follow. But arguments are part of being a parent – both the differences of opinion that naturally occur between children and grownups, and the responsibility to teach how to argue. Yes, arguments are a teaching opportunity. When we clearly say “no” and give our reason, we open the door to a respectful discussion of the importance to the child of what she asked for and the importance to us of our reasons for saying “no.” If we are going to guide our children, we have to be ready to tell them “no” once in a while and hear them out when they argue back.

If you’ve been vague in your answers in the past, try being more direct. If you’ve been arbitrary, saying “no” without any reason and closing off discussion, try being more respectful. See if your children don’t respond by being more reasonable in the future.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Developmentally Appropriate Parenting, at your favorite bookstore.