Have you noticed how often you do things for your kids instead of letting them do things themselves?

If you have, then you’ve probably also noticed how often kids refuse to do things for themselves, instead whining and pouting until you do things for them.

How did it get this way? And how can you help your children do things for themselves?

It’s easy to see how things got this way: it’s just easier to do things ourselves. We’re neater, more careful, and more skilled. We’re quicker. And because everyone is so busy these days, and in such a hurry, getting things done quickly and with as little mess as possible matters.

So we sometimes feed children who could feed themselves. We dress our kids, zip their jackets, organize their homework, maybe even occasionally do their homework for them. We clean their rooms. We clean their faces.

So we shouldn’t be too surprised when now our kids won’t do things on their own.

We’ve inadvertently sent the message that we believe our children are incapable of doing things on their own. We’ve hinted by our actions that left on their own, our children will do everything wrong.  They are helpless or incompetent.  These are the messages we send when we do things for our children that they could do for themselves. We send the message that, really, we’d rather do things ourselves.

Of course, this isn’t sustainable. Sooner or later we feel like our kids’ servant, doing everything while they sit by and watch. Sooner or later our children will grow up and need to be able to do things on their own. Now is the time to let them practice.

Practice does make perfect.

To let kids practice means letting them try. Letting kids try means letting them make mistakes. We have to get comfortable with failure. Only when kids fail will they learn how to do things better.

Remember that very little that children do has long-term effects. Not making the team, not making an A, and not winning a ribbon in the science fair doesn’t doom a child’s future career. In fact, what does doom a child’s chances is relying on a parent to make everything perfect.

If you’ve been doing it all, now is the time to stop. By how can you do that if your children are used to doing very little?

1. Quit doing. Smile sweetly the next time a request comes in for something a child could do herself and say, “I’m going to let you try.”
2. Avoid making excuses. It’s not that you’re too busy or that you’ve got your hands full. It’s just that you want her to try. If you need to soften your refusal, say, “I’m sure you can do it well enough.”
3. Don’t back down. Your child may cry and carry on. He may do this especially if he believes you only love him if things are perfect. Giving up on perfect is difficult for both of you. Continue to smile, continue to be supportive, but continue to refuse to do what he can do.
4. Provide moral support. If you’ve been over-involved in your child’s homework, for instance, instead of completely withdrawing your help, sit near your child as she does the work on her own. You’re there, you’re being supportive, but you’re no longer actually doing the work.
5. Congratulate your child for trying. Remember you’re not hoping for perfect. You just want your child to do the best he can. Just trying – sincerely trying – is a good step forward.

Letting go of perfect and embracing effort is not easy if this has been the pattern in your home in the past. You need to do this difficult thing just as your child needs to do difficult things too. But no matter how little or how old your child is, helping him do what he can do and helping him accept a solid effort even if the results aren’t perfect – these are accomplishments that build the future.

If your kids aren’t trying hard enough right now, could it be because of you? Now is the time to step back.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Parenting: A Field Guide, at your favorite bookstore.

Well, of course not! No teen in the Universe ever thought his parents are perfect.

But are you trying to convince your teen that you are perfect? Are you living a lie?

Here’s what I mean. We moms and dads sometimes sweep our own mistakes under the rug. We don’t let our kids know we’ve ever erred. We try to give the impression that we’ve never had a moment of doubt, never had a run-in with the law, never did anything we’re ashamed of now, and never, ever took a wrong turn and had to back up and try another path.

This myth of our perfection props up our credibility as parents. We think that by disguising our mistakes we set the bar high for our kids. We can truly say we want our children to be as wonderful as we are – or as wonderful as we tell them we’ve always been.

In actuality, of course, we want our kids to be better than we were. We’re terrified they will make our own dumb mistakes.

This is where our logic falls down. By not sharing with our teens our experiences with the hard, cruel world we miss out on the best examples we can provide of what not to do and of what to do instead.  We tie our own hands.

Imagine, for example, that your teen is going to a party. Should you tell your kid about the time you went to a high school friend’s party when no adults were there, liquor was plentiful, a huge fight broke out on the front lawn, and the police were called? Maybe you don’t. Maybe you just forbid your child to go to the party but don’t tell her why. Maybe you let her go, but give her a long list of rules you expect her to follow. Either way, your teen is not likely to understand why you’re being so restrictive.

But if you tell her what happened to you and if you let her learn from your mistakes, she will be more prepared to avoid this mistake herself.  She might still go to the party but now she’s armed with understanding that you had to learn the hard way.

If every teen has to learn everything on his own, reinventing the wheel, the same mistakes will be made in every generation. If, though, you admit to have been less than perfect and to have suffered some consequences in your own teen years, you educate your kid and really help him out.

Sharing your adolescent ups and downs has other benefits. It makes you more human, for one thing, and more approachable. If you weren’t a paragon of virtue, your child can admit to getting into trouble too.

It cements your relationship to your teen, by deepening the understanding between you. Your teen knows you know what it’s like to be under pressure from friends. She knows you know what it’s like to feel confused.

And it lets your teen know that his present state of inner turmoil and confusion is not permanent. Just as you overcame your teenage struggles, so will he. Knowing you’ve not been perfect even though now you seem to have things figured out gives teens hope. It makes them stronger.

And aren’t strong, self-assured children what you wanted all along?

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Parenting: A Field Guide, at your favorite bookstore.