If you have ever smoked, dabbled in drugs, or drank beer or harder stuff you probably remember the first time you did any of those things and the reason you tried them. Most likely the reasons included wanting to go along with a peer who already used them and also simple curiosity.

Kids who “turn to drugs,” as the phrase goes,  don’t do it to be delinquent or even to experience the high or buzz. The first time is more social or experimental. And once kids are past the first time, the second time is easy. That’s why using is such a risky business.

You can see that your child’s reasons for trying risky behaviors are the same impulses you’ve encouraged throughout his childhood: appreciation of good friends and a lively interest in the world. So what can you do now that these prosocial impulses are tinged with danger?

First, avoid adding to the reasons:

• If you drink, smoke or use in any way, don’t indulge in front of the kids.
• If you drink, smoke or use, don’t share things with your children, not even the Thanksgiving chardonnay.
• And don’t be so harsh and restrictive that doing drugs, drinking, and smoking are made attractive as ways to get back at you.

And then, do what you can:

• Talk to your kids about substance abuse, early and often.
• Pay attention and if you find evidence, ask nicely about it.
• Notice their friends who are using and ask about them too.
• Listen – but expect to be lied to.

Kids outgrow this fixation on substances if they live to grow at all. It’s worth it to keep trying until that happens.

The Sorcerer’s Broom

Do you remember the story of “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice”? Mickey Mouse played the apprentice in Fantasia. In the story, a wizard’s serving boy succeeds in making a broom come to life, but then he can’t control it. He tries to chop it to bits but the bits just become more brooms and make more mischief. The poor apprentice can’t get ahead of the train of events that he set in motion.

Trying to get ahead of the danger-of-the-day is like that. By the time parents figure out what mischief teens are in to and take steps to warn them away, the kids are on to something new. Adults can never quite catch up.

So building a sense of responsibility and that elusive ability to foresee the outcome of one’s actions is the only certain way to safeguard kids against dangers you can’t even imagine. Long before your child will be tempted (which means long before she gets to middle school) give her chances to make small decisions. Let her see how things come out and evaluate her choices.

Doing this with small decisions over time during childhood will give your child the skills she needs to think things through later when risky temptations come her way.

Sometimes you’re ready for your child to venture forth into kid society but she has trouble making a move. She may be just naturally slow to warm up. There’s nothing wrong with that. But if in addition to being reserved your child is also unsure of herself, then she needs some help to become more confident. Reserved but confident people are respected. Shy and uncertain people are often overlooked.

Two steps will help you as the parent of a shy child.

First, provide your child with a scripted response he can use in the most common situations he will face. He can be guided to nod his head and say “Hi” or “Hello” when meeting other kids or adults. He can practice saying “My name is….” when asked. Low-key, supportive practice at home will help boost his confidence when he needs to respond to strangers.

Second, ease the way in social situations by introducing your child instead of making her wait for a cue. Say, “Hi, Mia. This is Clara. Would you like to play in the sandbox with us?”  Play with Clara and Mia in the sandbox, modeling ways to talk about the play and share toys. Withdraw your interaction when Mia and Clara start to play without you. As your child becomes more capable, help her to initiate her own introduction and invitation to play, but be ready to guide gently if she gets stuck.

If you know your toddler or preschooler is shy, start now to give him the tools to manage social interactions. Don’t wait until the first day of school.

In addition, be careful to not label your child. Labels have a way of sticking. So don’t make the excuse, “Toby is shy.” And don’t fret with your child in public or laugh at him in your own nervousness or scold him. All of this makes the problem stronger,  both in your mind and in the mind of your child.

Experts suggest that parents model outgoing behavior so kids can see how a person introduces himself to someone new, finds a place for himself in a group, and strikes up a conversation. So do a quick self-check of your own social behavior to ensure you’re comfortable demonstrating to your child what social confidence looks like.

Is your teenager lying to you? Probably. Think back: when you were a teen, did you ever lie to your parents or shade the truth in a way your parents would think was lying if they had known the whole story? Did you ever tell a portion of the truth, but not the whole truth? Have you done such things even as an adult? Even as recently as last week?

Studies have shown that 98% of American adults lie, meaning they don’t tell the whole truth all the time but edit the facts to protect themselves or to protect the person they’re lying to. A current insurance ad shows a fictive Abe Lincoln failing to lie to his wife at a moment when most of us would believe the kindest act would be to tell an untruth.

In the instances when a lie protects ourselves, not the listener, we may be forgiven for wanting to stay out of trouble. Guilt and shame are uncomfortable emotions most of us want to avoid. When guilt is accompanied by a punishment, we want to avoid admitting guilt even more. So lying is a natural reaction to wanting to avoid punishment and feel guilty and ashamed, as well as a way to avoid worrying or hurting the people we love. For children and teens, whose sense of integrity is still under development but whose sense of self-preservation is working just fine, lying seems like the logical course much of the time.

So is your teenager lying to you? Most likely, yes. The main question is what should you do about it?

First, never try to trap your child in a lie. If you know the truth or have a good suspicion, then don’t ask about the incident and provide an opportunity to lie. Instead, say what you know: “I see the bumper on the car is dented. Tell me about that.” This will get you more information than asking, “Did you dent the bumper?”

Second, never penalize the truth. This is a hard one, but it’s essential. When your child says, “Yes, I backed into a fence post when we took the car off-roading last night after Tommy gave us some beer,” you will be sorely challenged. But if you punish your child for telling the truth, you’ll never hear the truth again. So, after a stunned silence you will simply say, “Thanks for telling me. How do you plan to fix the bumper?” Later, you will talk about taking the car off-road and about Tommy and beer. But you will not punish your child for telling you the truth.

Third, model what you want to see. Tell your child the truth when she asks and if you can’t tell the truth about something, tell her that you can’t. But don’t lie. Demonstrate what integrity looks like. Telling the truth about anything is a leap of faith. Let your kids know that you can be trusted with the secrets they might want to keep to themselves.

When your child was born, you might have looked forward to teaching her to ride a bike or introducing him to your favorite movies or teaching her to play your favorite sport. You probably didn’t eagerly anticipate talking with your child about sex.

Many of us don’t have a good model for such a conversation. Not many of our parents did a super job of talking about sex with us. In fact, when we think about teaching our kids about sex we most often either have absolutely nothing to go on or we have memories of really uncomfortable conversations that ended just about as quickly as they began.

But talking with children about sex is more important than ever. Sexual imagery is all around us and is included in much of the media even small kids enjoy. Reserving a talk about the birds and the bees to just a film viewed in the fourth grade is not enough these days. If you’re a responsible parent, you’ve got to step up.

Our False Excuses

Some of the excuses we make to avoid talking to children about sex are just that: excuses. And not only that, our excuses are wrong.

• Knowledge does not lead to action. Children who know the facts about sex are not more likely than other kids to experiment with sex. There is no evidence to support this notion. But not telling your children about sex puts them at risk for believing the misinformation they pick up from their friends.
• Not telling doesn’t keep kids in the dark. Children whose parents don’t fill them in about sex are not uninformed. Kids are curious. Sex is everywhere. If children don’t think you will tell them what they want to know, they’ll find someone who will. Not telling your kids won’t keep them from finding out.
• If children ask, they’re not too young to know. Three-year-olds who are about to welcome a new brother or sister into the family quite rightly want to know how this baby got where it is and how it will get out. They are not too young to know if they’re old enough to ask. Again, by not telling our kids – at any age – we leave them vulnerable to wrong information. As parents, we are handing the responsibility for sharing this vital information to unidentified others.

So if we take on this responsibility – in the same way we tell our kids about how to cross the street and why it’s important to not eat too much sugar – then how do we do that? Here are some thoughts.

How To Talk About Sex

Start early. By the time your little person is ready to head out into the big world – by kindergarten, in other words – he or she should know “the basics.”  Kids this age should know the correct names for genitals of both sexes and should know how babies are made. They should know that their private parts are indeed private and cannot be touched without their permission. If your child is older than five and you haven’t shared this information, the time to do so is now. By the time your child is nine, he or she – both sexes – should know about menstruation.

Answer questions honestly. This doesn’t mean you have to share everything you know, but it does mean that you won’t tell stories or pretty things up. If your child is going to continue to ask you questions on into his adolescence, you have to demonstrate now that your information can be trusted. Sincere questions deserve sincere answers. (And remember that young kids will think the information you share is very interesting, but not embarrassing. This is another reason to start these conversations early… they are much less awkward when kids are young.)

Make this a conversation, not a lecture. Think of your conversations about sex as multiple events – this is something you’ll talk about on and off for a long time. So “the talk” is not a one-time lecture, packed with every sort of fact. It’s a conversation that’s suited to the child’s age and ability to understand. When your child asks a question, you will answer that simply – in one sentence – and then wait to see if she asks a follow-up question. Or you’ll wait a moment, then add in another bit that fits with what you just said. Later, or tomorrow, or next week or next month, she’ll ask more questions or you’ll bring this up once again.

Be a friendly resource, not someone who communicates shame, suspicion, and evasion. Any conversation about sex will also communicate your values about family, honesty, and love.

Treat your child with respect. Never laugh at him, never tell him he’s too young to know, never tell him to go ask someone else. He’s chosen you. He asked you. Remember, if you want your teenager to tell you what’s going on in his life – including his sex life – then you must build your reputation now, when he’s little.

Teaching children  about sex shouldn’t be left to chance. By putting this off, parents risk their kids learning all sorts of things, without the filter of parental values. Open the door to honest conversations about sex right now.

“The brain can be developed just as a set of muscles.” ~Thomas Edison

I want to ask you to suspend your belief that “creativity is inherited”. In fact, creativity is inherent in every human being. As parents, YOU can nurture and strengthen your children’s creative abilities.

Your children have enormous mental capacity stored within the right hemisphere of their minds that can become weaker as they spend less time engaged in creative activity. Imaginative play is replaced with TV and video games. Coloring and drawing are replaced with writing and mathematics. The pressure to perform on standardized tests replaces “circle time.” School becomes more about memorizing facts and figures and less about independent thinking.

Without an awareness of the importance of developing the creative, right brain skills, your young children can depart from their innate creative selves into logical, linear thinking, left-brain-dominant “mature” individuals.

Whereas creatively empowered individuals say, “We can make this work!” others may say, “It has never been done before.” It is exactly this disparity that fueled a recent cover story (July 2010) in Newsweek Magazine entitled “The Creativity Crisis”. It reported decisively that our children’s creativity scores (based on a creativity test similar in intention to the IQ test) have been steadily DROPPING since 1990. With all of the challenges facing our world today and our children being the future source of potential solutions to these problems, it is now more important than ever to pay special attention to balancing our children’s education to include creative activity.

What can you do to ensure your kids grow into “creatively fit” adults? Here are three simple steps. Learn more at www.creativelyfit.com.

1. Provide unstructured playtime. Resist the temptation to have every day booked full of activity. Kids need the “blank canvas” time in their day where it is entirely up to them to CREATE their acitivity.
2. Shop for art supplies at the grocery store. You don’t need fancy art supplies or a home studio to use creative art activity to fuel your child’s creative mind. Simply keep blank paper in the kitchen (because, let’s face it, that is where they live), crayons, fresh markers, a glue stick, etc.
3. Get outside! Nothing serves as a greater source of inspiration than the great outdoors. The kids may resist at first, but take them to the park, the nature reserve, or even send them to the driveway with some sidewalk chalk. It is the simple activities that will have the most impact.

To learn all “33 Things” you can do to raise creative kids, buy Whitney Ferre’s book 33 Things to Know About Raising Creative Kids.

Are you having trouble getting your kids off the couch? Do you want your children to make better grades in school? Be more physically active? Join a sports team? Or participate in a service project?

Motivating a child or teenager isn’t always easy, but if you follow the three steps below you are almost guaranteed to discover a whole new child:

1. Use a reward system. Kids are always being told what they are doing wrong, but very rarely are they being told daily what they are doing right. All people, kids and adults, are far more motivated to “do the right thing” when there is a positive reward for their work.

Tip:

• Make 50 “tickets” out of paper, or buy a bundle of tickets at your local store.
• Sit down with your kids and ask them what would be 5 exciting things for them to do (go to a movie, go out for ice cream, their favorite restaurant, an amusement park, etc…).
• Then share with them a specific “reward system” (each time you see them put their dirty clothes away without being asked, they get a ticket. If they get an improved grade in any class, they get 10 tickets. For every 30 minutes they kick a ball or do any physical activity, they get 5 tickets. Etc…
• Don’t punish or criticize your kids for anything for the next several weeks. Only reward them for the things they do well. And do your best to find many things they are doing well.
• Follow through with your rewards – and have a blast.

2. Turn off all electronics. Yes, you read this correctly. Televisions, video games, iPods, cell phones and computers are the #1 reason kids are sucked into the black hole of entertainment and have zero motivation to accomplish…just about anything. Use the TV and video games as rewards after your children have accomplished a goal. Your kids will declare war on you the first few weeks you pull the plugs, but it only takes 21 days to form new habits. And sooner than later your children will discover that reading a book, riding a bicycle, painting, swinging a tennis racquet, good grades and service projects are a lot of fun. Stephen Covey, author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families, says “The average child these days spends over 20 hours watching television, but only minutes spending quality time with their parents.” Do what you can to avoid contributing to this statistic.

3. Be the leader. Show don’t tell. How do you expect your child to be motivated to get off the couch and ride a bicycle if you are not riding a bicycle yourself? If you want your kids to be more physically active, take them straight to a park after school and kick a ball with them. You are the leader of your family. It is up to you to set the tone and be the best example of what a positive attitude and motivation looks like.

Every child and teenager is motivated to do something. It is the parent’s job to bring the best out of them. By eliminating distractions (electronics), rewarding their efforts and by leading by example you are guaranteed to see change in your children. Change doesn’t happen overnight. So be patient. Be positive. And never give up on your kids.

Oh boy! Getting several toddlers together for a play date can be…a learning experience. I considered investing in a really fancy whistle until I learned that there are several steps I can take to help make play dates easy, breezy for both me, my kids and their playmates.

1. Cover the rules with your kids before the play date begins. Example: “Bobby, we are about to go to Jaden’s house to play. Let’s talk about the rules. There is no hitting, kicking or fighting while playing. And we share his toys and games. If you break any of these rules we will go straight home. Is this crystal clear?.”
2. Once you are at the play date location, get all of the kids together and cover the rules with all of them before the play date begins. “Bobby, Jaden, Haley, Susie and Christopher…come here for a second. Today we are here to have a lot of fun. But there are also rules we need to follow while playing together. If anyone fights over a toy or game, then the toy will go to time-out. Okay? If anyone hits, kicks, bites or calls names, then that person will have to go home. Okay?” Make sure the parents hear, understand and support the rules so if their child is the one causing trouble they will take action.
3. So, what if you are in the uncomfortable position where a child is not behaving and the parent of that child doesn’t do anything? I used to bite my tongue and not say anything and then hear weeks-on-end from my daughter about how mean and horrible “Christopher” was. Then one day my son was not playing nicely with his friend Ian and Ian’s mother very politely but sternly said, “Bodie, we don’t hit. Please stop.” And I had no problem whatsoever with Ian’s mom correcting my son. Parents don’t have eyes on the back of their head and many times we don’t see something that another parents does see. So don’t hesitate to correct another child (gently) and be open if other parents gently correct your child.
4. Avoid junk food and sweets. I have seen a group of toddlers playing wonderfully together…until the chocolate chips cookies and juice are served. If you serve snacks at your play date, strive for carrots, fresh fruit and water over anything else. Otherwise, get ready for all heck to break loose!
5. Ask older siblings to play safely with the little tikes. I have seen many accidental injuries from a 7-year old nailing a 3-year old with a ball as well as many toddlers hit by older kids on swing sets.
6. Ask your playmates to take 10 minutes before they head home to help clean up. And if you are a guest at a friend’s home, offer to help clean up before you dash home.
7. Every school and neighborhood has a handful of kids who are aggressive and physically or emotionally harm many children they play with. Don’t force your kids to play with these children – even if it’s your best friend. Identify the children who play well with your children and stick close to them. And don’t hesitate to leave a play date early if you sense your child is being bullied.

Diana Baumrind, a Berkeley California developmental psychologist working in the 1960s, developed parenting categories based on parental responsiveness and “demandingness.” She posited – and much research since has confirmed – that there must be a balance between supporting children and controlling them. Baumrind came up with three categories or styles of parenting that reflect different levels of support and control: authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative.

In a Three Bears sort of way, authoritarian parents are too hard – too controlling and offering too little support for children’s personalities. In a situation where a child is making a scene in the toy aisle at Target, the authoritarian parent might growl, “Get over here now! Be quiet! You’re acting like a baby!”

Permissive parents are too soft – bending over backwards to give children what they desire and making too few demands. In the same toy aisle situation, the permissive parent might buy the toy to shut the child up or bargain with the child, buying something smaller or offering extra dessert tonight if she will only come away now please…

But authoritative parents – those who balance control and support – are “just right.” And their children tend to be “just right” too. Study after study has demonstrated that American kids do best with authoritative parenting. They do well in school, get along nicely with other children and adults, mostly stay out of trouble, and are well-adjusted and self-disciplined. The authoritative parent in the Target toy aisle might admire the toy the child desires, letting her point out its cool features, and agree with her that, yes, it would be fun to have that someday. “But right now, we’re not buying toys. We came here to get some paper towels. Do you know where to find them in this store?”

So why don’t all parents use an authoritative parenting style? Why is this so hard?

First, it’s hard because “authoritative” – the good sort of parenting – and “authoritarian” – the less good sort – sound a lot alike. The words are very similar. Some authors clear up the confusion by renaming the good “authoritative parenting” as “respectful parenting.” Let’s do that here. I like it because respect is the key element in effective parenting.

But mostly parents struggle to use respectful parenting with their children for two reasons: they misunderstand the parenting role and they too often want a quick fix.

Raising bright, responsible kids takes a long while – at least 18 years. But our lives are lived in the moment… and right this moment we want things to go smoothly. So, depending on our own inclinations and our child’s temperament, we smooth things out at any given time by caving in to the whining and the tantruming or by screaming for it to stop. We buy a moment’s peace by being a tyrant or a pushover but we also set ourselves up for another round of the same behavior later. The respectful parent takes the time to listen to a child’s point-of-view and then explains her own position and why that is the position that will stick. Treated this way, the child learns to express his ideas civilly and to accept mom or dad’s decision with grace. The parent doesn’t just control behavior or ignore it, he teaches the behavior he wants to see.

But many of us think it’s our job to control behavior. We’ve got the parenting thing wrong. So if control comes easily to us, we try to order our kids around. We try to parent by enforcing rules with punishment and by manipulating good behavior. We’re in charge and our children are not. That’s how we act if we mistakenly think that the parent’s role is all about control.

Or, perhaps we think the parent’s role is all about control but we reject control and do everything we can to avoid being controlling. But when we deny control we leave a hole in our relationship with our kids. We have little to say. So children, without the guidance of adult control, run amok. Four- and six-year-olds are now running the family. The parent and child roles are reversed.

As Baumrind pointed out, parenting is not just about control and control is not always a bad thing. But control must always be tempered with support and respect that guide children in the ways they should go. The true role of the parent is one of teacher. To teach, one must listen, explain, and maybe even agree. Teaching is a process. It’s not a quick fix.

Effective parents have high standards for their children, standards that are appropriate to each child’s age and abilities and temperament. They have rules. But they also understand that their children are individual people with individual needs and wishes. Each child must be treated with respect. It’s not easy. But over the course of 18 years, being an effective parent pays off.

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

One day I invited my daughter to join me in taking dinner to Scottie. “Mommy, why doesn’t Scottie have any feet? How does Scottie play soccer? Why is he in a wheelchair?” I knew her inquisitive mind would ask questions about Scottie – and I was ready to give her the answers. At first she was intimidated by Scottie’s wheelchair and the fact that he looked different than everybody else. But after 3-4 visits to their home, my daughter and Scottie were two peas in a pod. My daughter started drawing pictures “just for Scottie”, asked to call him to say goodnight, and she even invited him to her birthday party.

On Christmas Eve of 2009, Scottie was admitted to ICU for pneumonia. My daughter overheard me on the phone with my church asking to help raise money for his medical bills. My daughter came into my room with several pieces of paper wrapped like presents with “SARAH” scribbled on the front. “What’s this, honey?” I asked. “Since Sarah and Scottie need money, I took all of the money from my piggy bank to give them. It’s in here. Can we take it to the hospital and give it to them?” Conley asked.

The most effective way for a child to learn compassion is for them to follow their parent’s lead. If mom reaches out to a person in need, the children will follow suit. If dad is involved in regular charity events, the kids will too.

Bring your kids along for the ride. Take them to the soup kitchens, the homeless shelters and get them involved in fund-raisers. How do you expect your children to be compassionate if you are not compassionate, giving and non-judgmental yourself? A compassionate child starts with a compassionate parent.

Dr. Janice Cohn, author of “Raising Compassionate Children In a Violent World”, spent years researching kids who were involved in helping people in need and the parents of these children.  She said there was one clear common denominator in every case: “Each child had parents or other crucial role models who either taught them the importance of compassion and courage by example or unequivocally supported the children’s instincts to respond to people who needed help” Dr. Cohn noted.

Dr. Cohn also says, “When people develop into compassionate, caring human beings, it not only benefits society but also promotes personal happiness and higher self-esteem as well.”

Children are incredibly bright creatures. It’s human nature for parents to avoid wanting their children to spend time with a person in need in fear that they might ask an “embarrassing” question. But we need to realize that those questions kids ask are awesome opportunities for parents to teach their children that there are a zillion people in the world who talk, walk and look different than us. And they are our friends.

Who are three people or organizations in your town who need your help? Make a plan to take your family (kids included) to serve these people in a special way. You might have one of the most special family outings your have ever had in your entire life!