Poor little Justin Bieber is just the latest in a long string of kids whose bad behavior was aided and abetted by mom and dad. According to one source, young Bieber’s recent drunken race through Miami Beach was helped along by his father, who reportedly supplied him with drugs and alcohol and knew ahead of time about the intention to drag race but did nothing to stop it.

No one got killed, thank goodness, unlike the time Adam Lanza’s mother made certain her son had access to guns and knew how to shoot them. Numerous other parents in the news either professed to not know anything at all about their children’s slide into erratic and dangerous behavior or actively supported that behavior in ways that seem irresponsible in hindsight. We more sensible folks are left scratching our heads, wondering how parents can be so clueless.

At the same time, in less dramatic ways, many of us are making exactly the same mistake.

Your kid isn’t likely to make the 11 o’clock news. But lots of parents enable all sorts of bad behavior. You know at least one parent who…

• Encourages his child to cheat, even showing him how to do it
• Serves alcohol to her underage child, saying it’s safer that way
• Leaves the house while her kids host a party in the basement
• Leaves the keys to the house and the car with a teen and then goes out of town
• Lies for his child to get him out of school or out of trouble with the law
• Looks the other way when his child lies, cheats, steals, drinks, and carries on.

Perhaps that parent is even you.

How our children know right from wrong is shaped by the little things, day by day. Just as in everything else, actions speak louder than words, louder than our lectures and warnings, louder than Sunday morning sermons. Children understand what we really expect of them and what the real rules are by what behavior we encourage, condone and overlook.

Your child will tell you that “everybody does it.” Certainly every teen makes mistakes. Justin Bieber’s behavior, unfortunately, wasn’t so unusual that it would have made the national news if he himself hadn’t been newsworthy already. The problem comes when parents join in or look the other way. Yes, everybody does make mistakes. But, no, not every parent passes this off as “just nothing.” In fact, no parent should.

Just as our children’s behavior is shaped by little things, so are our communities. If we want to complain or gossip about the misdeeds of other people’s children, wail about how society is going downhill because of irresponsible parents, we must look first in the mirror. Are we one of them?

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Parenting: A Field Guide, at your favorite bookstore.

Have you been in this situation? You and your child are walking along and there on the sidewalk is a person with a distinctive appearance. An appearance so distinctive that you feel like staring – but, of course, you don’t. Just then, in a carrying voice, your child pipes up with “Mom! Look at that man!”

If you try to hustle your child along, you’re certain to hear, “But, Mom, wait! Don’t you see him? That man over there – what’s wrong with him?”

What next? Besides wishing you could disappear, of course.

Well, let’s re-imagine the situation a bit. Let’s make the man not some unknown person with an appearance that makes your child shout but a known person – a celebrity. Let’s imagine that you’re walking with your child and there, on the sidewalk, is Justin Bieber. Now what?

Of course you recognize that even celebrities use the sidewalk and they don’t want to be accosted by fans when they’re just walking down the street. So when your child shouts, “Mom! Look! It’s Justin Bieber!” you will say, “Yes, I think so too,” and continue on. If your child says, “No, I want to stop and watch him,” you’ll of course say, “That’s not polite. Come along with me and let’s talk…”

Naturally, it would be different if you knew Justin from your days when you were his family’s babysitter or if Justin had stopped to give autographs. You might, in such a case, pause to say “hello” or let your child ask for a signature. But if you don’t know Justin Bieber and he’s not already surrounded by fans, you let him be, understanding that he hears everything you and your child say to each other. You will discuss his career and what he’s wearing and why he might be in your town out of earshot, privately.

Back now to the distinctive-looking person who is not Justin Bieber. Of course even distinctive-looking people use the sidewalk and they don’t want to be discussed by their fellow citizens when they’re just walking down the street. So when your child says, “Mom! Look at that man!” you will reply with “Yes. Come along with me and let’s talk…” If you know the person or if he is giving sidewalk interviews, you may stop. But otherwise, carry on, just as you would for someone famous.

Later – further along the sidewalk and at home – or earlier – as soon as your child is old enough to notice individual differences and shout about them (about age four), have a heart-to-heart with your child. Talk about the fact that it’s not polite to talk about people in their presence, as if they wouldn’t notice or didn’t have feelings. It’s not polite anytime, with anyone, not even Justin Bieber.

Children understand this. While they might love to imagine that you’re discussing with somebody what you’ll be buying for their birthdays, children hate to think you’re talking about their faults and shortcomings behind their backs. They are outraged if they think you’re laughing at them. Even four-year-olds realize that feelings can be hurt and that it’s unjust to be talked-about over things that are no fault of your own.

So, help yourself and your child avoid having a Justin Bieber-moment. Model polite behavior. Talk about individual differences and courteous behavior before an incident comes up.

Or just after. Whichever comes first.

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.