If you’re like most parents, you will state with no equivocation that you don’t play favorites. Only terrible parents would ever allow themselves to have a favorite child, right? I’ve also heard my fair share of parents tell me privately that they do have a kinda-favorite child though they are careful to clarify that they would never admit that to their children. While that’s a perfectly good argument, it’s comes with a problem which I’ll get to in a moment.

Parents do want compliance.

I don’t have a favorite child between my two children, but I will be honest and admit that I do appreciate a child who listens to me and respects what I say. So, I will tell my children openly that I will get along with any child who doesn’t fight me or challenge me on the simplest little things. In most families where there are multiple children, there is usually at least one who is easier in a given stage, and there is at least one who is more argumentative or willful.

Favorite child vs. the “easier” child

Parents should never apologize for appreciating a child when the child accepts the care and direction from the parent without much of a hassle. This isn’t the same as saying that the more compliant child is your favorite child; instead, you can say that every kid goes through different stages and that you appreciate any kid when they are respectful and cooperative with you. As your kids become teenagers, you can share your feelings and this can help them learn an important lesson. Say, “Parenting, overall, is amazing but it can be really hard and frustrating when your child goes through a stage where they want to argue about or challenge you on everything.” Go further by saying, “It’s a parent’s job to make sure the child meets all kinds of expectations in school, with hygiene, and so forth. One of the things you, as my child, should ask yourself is whether you show appreciation for the things I do for you.” Prompting your child in this way forces them to think about the other person in the situation – you – when kids have the tendency to focus almost entirely on themselves. Train them to be respectful and to show appreciation for you.

How to make each child feel like a favorite child

One of the best practices parents can engage in with their children is to plan individual time with each child. I remember from my own childhood occasions when my mother would take just me out for lunch on my birthday, and I felt like the most important kid in the world. Parents can practice one-on-time most easily on the weekends. For example, setting up a schedule where, say, every other weekend one parent takes one child and the other parent takes the other child for an activity gives each kid the chance for one-on-one time with the parent. That’s all kids really want: to feel like they are the only one, even though they know they usually have to share the attention with other siblings.

During bedtime chats, tell each child what impresses you about them.

Kids crave praise as much as grownups do, but they crave it even more because they are still developing their sense of self and self-esteem. Bedtime is a great time for an intimate chat with your child. Use that time sometimes to point out something they did that day that was impressive or helpful, and tell them that you see certain strengths in them. For example, say, “When we were working on that project in the yard this morning, I noticed how hard you were working and how careful you were being. I am so lucky to have you as my [insert son or daughter].” Another example: “I have to tell you that you are one of the funniest people I know, and you always make me laugh.” These comments sound simple enough but they make a child feel noticed and unique, and this practice builds strong and lasting self-esteem. Bottom line: It’s a good goal to set, making every child feel like a favorite child.

Baby talk refers to the following frustrating set of behaviors: talking in babyish, intentionally slurred speech; speaking in a quiet under their breath so that you can’t make out what they’re saying; whining about the silliest things; and looking down or holding their chin down as they talk so they avoid direct eye contact. This behavior should cease by the time a child gets to kindergarten, but some children continue to try the baby-talk approach well into elementary school. Simply put, this behavior should be unacceptable and parents must deal with the problem immediately and consistently. If not, the behavior will get reinforced and they may possibly continue to act like a regressed toddler for years to come.

Why do older kids use baby talk?

Older kids use baby talk for one of two reasons: they believe it will get them what they want, or they want to annoy you so that you feel the same thing they feel. When your child tries to annoy you, it’s not vindictive. The logic goes like this: I’m annoyed and not getting what I want, so I am going to annoy my parent so they don’t get what they want, either. In these moments, the child sees you as the one with power who could give them what they want but chooses to withhold it.

How the parent’s frustration fuels the fire

If you hate the baby talk as much as other parents, you must be careful to not show your upset feelings to your child. In other words, if your child sees that it upsets you, they will keep doing it. Kids use baby talk as a last resort. Once they realize that they are not going to get what they want, they feel like they have nothing to lose by making the parent upset, too. In fact, making you upset makes them feel a little more powerful in a moment when they don’t feel they have any power at all. (Remember, most of these episodes will start because the child was told “no.”)  It’s fine to be annoyed with your child for this annoying, manipulative behavior, but remember that showing your frustration will make your child feel that they’ve succeeded in upsetting you, and they will keep doing it because kids – any of us, really – like feeling powerful.

What parents should do to stop the behavior in its tracks

The second that your child makes a baby talk statement or starts whining like a toddler, label the problem out loud immediately. “Okay, I notice you are using baby talk and whining.” Take an immediate break from the interaction or you will likely get sucked into a conflict and end up getting upset, thereby reinforcing the annoying behavior. After you have labeled the behavior and called attention to it, say, “I don’t pay attention when you use baby talk. Let’s come back together in a few minutes and try again.” Go distract yourself with a tiny task and take some deep breaths while you’re at it. A few minutes later, recite the following: “I do want to hear what you are upset about, but the only thing I ask is that you say it in a grownup voice, not a baby voice. Now, what were you upset about?”

This approach is very simple: label it, take a break for a few minutes, and then give your child a final chance to tell you why they’re upset in a grownup voice. If you truly want to get rid of the baby talk behavior altogether, use this same approach and script every single time it happens. The key to changing behavior is to respond consistently to it. If you stick to the script and you handle the problem the same way every single time, you will quickly see that the behavior gets extinguished. Most of all, always try to detect when your child is trying to enlist you in a power struggle, and avoid getting sucked into the struggle!

At a recent soccer game for my six-year old daughter, I witnessed one of the messiest child meltdowns I have ever seen. The tantruming six-year old, fortunately, was not mine, and all the parents watched it unfold with Halloween-like horror across their faces. Yes, I had empathy for the mother as her daughter screamed and then pushed and punched her, but I also thought about how the mother was doing things that made the situation worse.

Take a look at the following simple steps to control a public meltdown in your child, and remember that the extreme tantrums are largely controllable.

Don’t pick up your school-age child as if she’s a toddler.

The first thing this stressed mother did when her daughter started screaming was to pick her up. Picking your child up is terrific if your child is a baby or a toddler, but parents shouldn’t be carrying their six- and seven-year old children, no matter how upset their children are! At this point, parents should be encouraging independence as opposed to the kind of dependence seen with babies and toddlers.

Remove your child from the crowd.

The next thing this parent did was to hold court in front of the many other kids and parents, and to get into a full-fledged argument with her daughter while everyone watched. If this happens to you, remove your child from the environment and move to a place where there is nothing stimulating or distracting.

At first, don’t talk to or touch your child.

In the first couple of minutes of a bad meltdown, don’t talk or try to touch your child in any way. The littlest thing can trigger your child in this situation, so simply act as a mirror and don’t do anything to add to the problem. Get down to your child’s eye level if your child is small and say this: “Okay, I am listening to you now. Tell me from the start what happened that made you upset.” Listen until they are done talking, and then say this: “Now I am going to talk, and it’s your turn to listen.” If your child will listen, tell them in two or three sentences what the lesson is. If your child won’t listen and starts to talk again, stop talking and listen again. Very soon they will have said everything they need to say, and they will calm down and listen.

Distract them by mentioning something fun or positive that will happen later in the day.

Distraction is one of the most helpful coping techniques for parents dealing with a nasty meltdown. Say, “I know you’re upset now, and I’m actually upset now, too, but in the back of my head I am also thinking we’ll be better later when we’re sitting on the couch and watching a movie with some popcorn [or insert something else positive that you can be doing later with your child].” Then get back to the point. “Anyhow, we can talk more about this later, but this is what I want you to do: I want you to go back and [insert what you want them to do]. If you can do that, I am not going to give you a consequence for screaming and acting up just now. This is your choice. Can you get back to normal now?” In most situations, the child will be ready to get back to what they were doing because they’ve had a chance to vent their frustration; they’ve been reminded that they have something to look forward to later in the day; and they have been told they won’t be punished if they make the good choice to control their mood and behavior.

Wisdom to remember: The goal for parents isn’t to prevent any meltdowns from ever happening. Instead, the goal is to prevent a meltdown from getting out of control. If you follow these simple steps, you can save yourself and your child an awful lot of stress and anxiety.

Parenting is, without question, one of the most challenging experiences an adult can have in this lifetime. We all do the best we can as we navigate the endless dilemmas and parenting issues that parents face every day. How can you tell if you’re burnt out? How can you tell if you’re about to lose it, as they say? There are definite signs and I will show ways to handle each one.

You’re snapping more than usual at your kids.

Hands down, this is the number one sign that a parent has become burnt out and needs a break. Inevitably, a parent will snap or issue a punishment on an occasional basis, but finding yourself snapping throughout the day and watching it last for a few days is a sign that you feel spread too thin and need a break.

What to Do: Call a family meeting with your family and openly share that you noticed that you have been snapping more than usual. Apologize for losing your patience, and then ask your kids, “What are some possible reasons why I might be getting more frustrated lately?” Give them a chance to talk and then tell them what they can do to help. “It would help me if you could try harder to pick up your room and avoid fighting with each other. I am also going to try to keep my frustration under control because I know you guys don’t want to get snapped at, either.”

You find yourself constantly saying “no” to most things your kids ask for.

True, parents shouldn’t say yes to everything, but kids need their parents to say “yes” more than “no” in order for them to feel cared about and noticed. If you go through a stretch where you say no to almost everything, your kid will come to feel disconnected and unappreciated – and then the acting out behavior begins.

What to Do: Make sure to pepper your no’s with yeses if you want to maintain a close, allied relationship with your kid. Remember, the more you work with them and help them meet their goals – whether it’s setting up paint supplies for them, hooking up a movie for them, or playing pass with them with a ball – the more likely they will be to follow your rules.

You haven’t been getting enough sleep for more than a few days.

The reason why sleep is so important is because it is the one thing that balances a person’s mood better than any other. If you don’t get enough sleep, you will get lethargic or irritable, or you may start feeling a little depressed. When you don’t get enough sleep for several days in a row, your mood will be seriously affected. Sleep deprivation means that you are physically burnt out, causing you to feel that things are overwhelming and unmanageable.

What to Do: Start your winding down ritual earlier than usual, including teeth brushing, washing your face, and changing into your bedtime clothing. Force yourself to get into bed one hour earlier than usual and bring a book with you, even if you don’t love to read. Reading before bed is a great step in practicing good sleep hygiene, as focusing on something keeps your brain occupied and away from more stressful or distracting thoughts. If you need extra help relaxing, light a couple candles. Put a note on your door that says something to the following effect: “Trying to get extra sleep, please be extra quiet.”

If you are burnt out, remember that this too shall pass and that things will get better soon. Don’t be afraid to ask a friend or family member for extra help when you reach this point. Having someone babysit for a few hours so you can go out, or having someone do the school pick-up or soccer practice for a day can make an enormous difference in your day. What you really need is more support, so don’t be afraid to ask your partner, kids, and others for a little help!

There’s no question that children can trigger their parents when their children act out, leading to overwhelming frustration and anger. The key for parents is to make sure that there is nothing they are doing that escalates their kids’ defiant or otherwise annoying behaviors. Check out these three behaviors parents sometimes engage in which accidentally reinforces the bad behavior, and causes the kids to take the outburst to an even higher level. The last thing we want to do is make a problem worse, so watch out and avoid all of the behaviors below!

Matching your child’s negative feelings

Hands down, the worst thing a parent can do when their child is upset is to react with the same level of frustration or anger the child is showing in the first place. Picture it: Your 12-year old daughter yells that you lost an article of her clothing, and she refuses to get in the car for school until she has it. A common – but faulty – reaction for the parent is to get angry right back and say something to the effect of, “Why can’t you manage your own things? You need to find it now, or else!” While it’s understandable that the parent gets angry, showing the anger only ignites the fire further. When your child has an outburst, you must remain cool and calm above all else. Try saying this instead: “I know you’re frustrated, but getting angry with me only makes me angry. I will agree to take two minutes now and help you look for it, and if we don’t find it by then, you will have to go to school without it. I’m sorry, honey, but that is the best I can do on such short notice, and appreciate the fact that I am offering to help you.” (You want kids who aren’t bratty or entitled? Well, then, when you do something nice for them, remind them to thank you if they don’t think to thank you on their own.)

Labeling your child

When your child is having an outburst, their emotions are spiraling out of control and they simply don’t know how to calm themselves. The good news: That’s something you can help them with! But too often, parents get frustrated and label their child in an already-heated moment. I’ll share some of the ways parents label their kids which end up escalating the crisis: “You lose everything. What is wrong with you?” “Are you angry again? You’re always angry about something!” “I’m sick of your tantrums. Why can’t you just be happy?” When parents make any of these comments, they frustrate the child even more, and this is often when the tears start. Avoid using labels or generalizing too much, especially when your child is already upset.

Comparing your child to another child

Parents, please don’t ever compare your child to another child. When parents do this, it often takes the following form: “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” “Your sister never gives me a hard time like this. Why do you always do this to me?” “My friends tell me their kids never treat their parents this way. Why can’t you be more like them?” No child ever – in the history of the entire world – improved their behavior because their parents pointed out to them that another child was a better child. Instead, these comments make the child even angrier to the point that the parent becomes an opponent. Even though it’s perfectly normal – or even inevitable? – to compare your child to another child in your head, never say these hurtful words out loud. There is simply no better way to screw up a child’s self-esteem than to suggest that there is something inherently wrong with them.

The takeaway: Parenting is the most challenging job in the world, especially if you have a child who is hyperactive, defiant, or overly emotional. Make sure that you avoid these behaviors above, and simultaneously build in time with friends for much-needed venting. Odds are that you probably need a break today or sometime very soon!

There’s no question that alcohol and drugs are a part of adolescent lives for many boys and girls, and the proof is in the accidents and arrests we hear about every day that stem from substance abuse. Peer pressure for teens to try or regularly use substances is fierce, so parents must work harder than ever to protect their kids from this kind of danger.

One especially troubling behavior relates to the use of fake IDs. New research shows just how common it is for youth today to obtain a fake ID which can be used to purchase alcohol or enter establishments where alcohol is served. Arria and colleagues found that 66% of their youth sample had used a fake ID, and that’s a scary number. In addition, the researchers show that using a fake ID is also correlated with a higher likelihood of alcohol use disorders later in life.

How to handle the problem

Ask the awkward questions: If you’re a parent of a teenager, specifically ask your child if he or she has ever used a fake ID. Examples of how to ask: “I read an article about something that’s happening with a lot of teens today, and I realized that I should do my part as a parent and check in with you about this issue.” Realistically, few teens who use a fake ID are going to blurt out the truth when asked by a parent. The strong odds are that your child will say “no,” so follow that question up with another good question. “Do you know anyone who uses a fake ID? I remember a few people who did that when I was young, so you must have heard of some people either using one or trying to get one.”

Explain why using a fake ID is a terrible idea: Take the time to explain some of the dangers of using a fake ID. Specifically, do a little research online; read about teens who have recently been arrested; and show your child those articles online so that you can discuss them together. Say, “If, by some chance, you ever got arrested, what would that mean for your life?” Give them some prompts: “That would mean that everyone at school might find out; you wouldn’t get to take that school trip you’ve been wanting to take; and you might not get into that college you’ve had your eye on.” Kids need specifics; otherwise, they will tune you out!

Check in with a few other parents and school staff: Talking with your teenager about using a fake ID is the most important step to take to make sure that you are keeping your child safe, but don’t stop there. Reach out to a few parents of friends of your child and ask them if they are aware of any of the kids they know using a fake ID. (You may sound like a nag, but you are doing the best you can to protect your kid.) Also, call your child’s school and ask to speak to an assistant principal or a guidance counselor about the issue. Ask if any kids have been caught with a fake ID at the school, and ask if the school can incorporate a message about not using fake IDs when the school sponsors student trainings or conducts school meetings.

Ongoing discussions with your teenager: As a psychologist who works with both adults and children, I have found that many parents do the right thing by having a conversation with their kids about difficult issues – drugs and alcohol, safe sex, and so on – but parents sometimes forget to follow up on the issue later. In other words, the goal isn’t to have just one discussion but rather to include any given issue – say, using a fake ID – into an ongoing discussion with kids. An example: Once per month, have a check-in session about dangerous behaviors. You can have your discussion wherever it’s most comfortable your teenager and you: in the car; on a walk; during dinner; while you’re shopping; and so forth.

Final analysis

The hardest part of parenting teenagers is keeping them safe from adult temptations. As long as you regularly address uncomfortable issues with your child, you will be doing everything you can to keep them safe.

Reference

Arria, A.M., Caldeira, K.M., Vincent, K.B., Bugbee, B.A., O’Grady, K.E. (2014). False identification use among college students increases the risk for alcohol use disorder: Results of a longitudinal study. Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research. 38(3), 834-843.

If you’re like me, you’re a parent who has little tolerance for a child who talks back. When my children say something disrespectful, I usually deal with it immediately. At the same time, my children haven’t yet hit the notorious teen years. When children reach the teen stage, it’s important for parents to understand that they must loosen the grip on certain rules so that they allow a certain level of independence in their children. Should teenagers be able to talk back to their parents? In short, it depends. Keep reading and I’ll explain what I mean.

Nastiness or abusive language is never okay

If your teenager curses at you or makes nasty comments to your face, you have to send a clear message that this behavior is not okay. Simply put, if you give a teenager an inch, they will take miles and miles. If your teen curses at you, do not overreact emotionally. That is the number one mistake parents make with kids of any age: getting emotional in their reaction. When a child sees you lose your cool, your child comes to believe that you are not strong enough to manage them. It helps if parents view the teen’s acting out behavior through a lens of empathy. Teens have a lot of adult-like social situations they must manage: school and sports demands, conflicts with friends, and budding or ending romantic relationships. Teens have little life experience, so they don’t know how to manage these situations smoothly. Because your teen is probably dealing with a lot of different issues, give them some slack.

State the specific rules and the consequences for breaking the rules

Discuss the rules about which behaviors are okay and not okay so that you and your child have no confusion. Tell your child, “It’s okay if you get angry, but there are rules about expressing anger. You can’t just say whatever crosses your mind, just like I can’t say whatever crosses mine.” Be clear about how to express anger in a healthy way. Say, “When you do get angry at me, the first rule is that it’s never okay to call me names, and I will give you that same respect, no matter how angry I am. Calling me curse words will result in the following punishment, and there is no negotiating that rule. [You decide the consequence that fits: turning off their phone for the week or grounding them for one day of the weekend, for example).

Give your teen a sense of control by asking for their opinion

I am by no means an amazing parent; I think I’m a decent parent and I take pride in the fact that I am always trying harder to become a better parent and to think more about my child’s – and not my own – feelings. One positive behavior that I practice with my kids that I am proud of is that I try to have at least one family meeting per month, and I ask for their opinion when we are dealing with an issue. You may do this already, but if not, this practice works well with teens who are at a stage in life where they need to feel heard and they need to feel as if they have some control over their own life. If your teen does something problematic, sit down with them and ask, “If you were the parent, what would you do?” Your teen may come up with a terrific answer, suggesting that they would understand and blow it off. Take this opportunity to focus on the future. Say, “I could blow it off now, but what kind of parent would I be if I signed off on that behavior? The purpose of parenting is to teach kids how to be when their adults, when they have to make all their own decisions. If you did something like this at your job when you’re an adult, you would be disciplined or could even lose your job. That is what I need you to understand better: I am teaching you rules that you need to be successful in life.”

Overall, parenting teens can be frustrating but it doesn’t have to be constantly upsetting or frustrating. Keep the rules clear and focus your feedback on guidance rather than lectures or punishment. Finally, always remember to try to keep an alliance – and not a foe vs. foe dynamic – that will keep you bonded in a good way for years to come.

Calling all parents: One of the best things you can do for your child is to teach them to stay organized. I know, as a parent myself, that it’s not easy, but I also know that it’s possible. If you teach your child how to stay organized from the time that they’re young – say, elementary school age – you will see that this training helps in many other areas of life, too. Kids who learn to organize their own rooms are better at holding onto their things (e.g., bringing their jacket home as opposed to leaving it at school), remembering events and times for activities and appointments, and managing their homework. Organization teaches kids the all-important life lesson: When taking on a task, look at the big picture and create a plan. In a moment, you’ll see what I mean.

The “Nothing On the Floor Rule”

This is the easiest and most clear-cut rule. There should never be any stray items left on the floor. The floor should always be clean. Items belong in containers, and there should be one large container for miscellaneous items that can be stored under the bed or in the closet. The logic: Having no mess is not realistic; having all messy things in one container is a workable compromise.

Organizing the contents of the child’s bedroom

If you are going to train your child how to get and stay organized, clear plastic containers will be your most important educational tool. Take your daughter’s room as an example. Have a separate container for dolls; doll clothes; hair accessories; brushes and combs; pictures; cards; paper; and so forth.

Sorting items with your child

My daughter is seven, and I still have to sit on the floor with her and sort items with her. We grab a stack of stuff from the table in her room, and we go one by one with each item. Example: “This is a birthday card, so make a pile for cards. These are drawings you made. Make a pile for art work. This is a barrette. Make a pile for hair accessories.” Teaching your child to sort items sounds like a trivial thing, but it actually teaches the child how to think and approach problems in a strategic way.

Organizing clothes by season and systematically checking to see what still fits

A few times each year, you have to go through all your child’s clothing items to make sure that the clothing is right for the season. For example, when winter approaches, pull out (from whichever container you keep them in) the winter items and have your child try them on to make sure they still fit. Again, this type of organizing with your child teaches your child about planning, and teaches the child that smart decisions are not made based on impulse or immediate gratification.

The overall benefits of organizing

A child who lives in an organized environment will feel more secure and less anxious than other children who live in a messy environment. Kids who learn to keep their rooms organized will also be more organized in managing their homework and sports activities as they get older. Ultimately, by teaching them organization since the time they are young, you are teaching them a skill that can last a lifetime.

Deep down, all parents want to believe that their little ones are happy and healthy. Accordingly, if you’re a parent who feels that your kid seems a little angrier than he or she should, you’re probably responding to a legitimate problem. In other words, it’s good for you to worry about this issue, and there are a few possible factors to rule out before deciding that it will just “go away.” Notice that I switch pronouns (he, she) throughout the article because both boys and girls can display the same types of anger problems.

Is he getting bullied?

If you see an uptick in anger, the culprit may be bullying. If your son seems angrier than usual, he may be getting bullied at school by one or more other students. Those students could be boys or girls; they could be in the same grade, they could be older or younger; and they could be bullying your son in the school bathroom or cafeteria, on the playground or on the way to or from school. To find out whether he has been getting bullied, ask him yourself; have your co-parent (if you have one) ask him; and call the school to ask a teacher and guidance counselor to ask him. The point: One person asking once will rarely uncover the truth.

Is she feeling anxious or depressed?

Depression in kids often looks different than it does in adults. With kids, their depression often makes them appear irritated or agitated. If they are feeling anxious, they may get nervous by any number of triggers: socializing on the playground; eating in the cafeteria; walking to school; or taking the bus. With kids, they are more likely to tell you what’s really going on if you ask them a question and give them multiple choice answers.

Does she have a chemical imbalance that calls for a psychiatric evaluation?

Some children are more prone to anger based on their personality and other biological factors (the chemical makeup in their brain). If your child is angry often and has always been prone to angry outbursts, you can call a local mental health clinic and ask for a psychiatric evaluation. The evaluation would involve a licensed psychiatrist asking you and your child a lot of questions about mood, behavior at home, and behavior at school. In some cases, the psychiatrist will recommend that the child try a daily psychiatric medication; in other cases, the psychiatrist will say the child probably doesn’t need meds, and the child will be referred for psychotherapy instead.

Important reminders about anger

As frustrating as an angry kid can be for the parents, never punish your child for his feelings. In other words, you punish the acting out behavior when the kid is angry, but you don’t punish the kid for feeling angry. I always tell families I’m working with the same thing: “Anger by itself is fine and even healthy in doses, but it’s the way the child expresses the anger that may be a problem.” One final comment to parents: Parents often get disillusioned in managing an angry child, telling themselves that their poor child will always be angry and that his life will suffer because of it. The good news is that many children who have anger problems when they’re young work those problems out by the time they’re older, so don’t worry that the problem will last forever. In fact, providing the most empathetic and helpful feedback when they do get angry may make all the difference.