Well, of course you’re worried. If your kid is being picked on, that’s a serious thing. You don’t want your child to be made unhappy or feel rejected by his so-called friends. Being bullied is a big deal.

But a new study conducted in Great Britain and published recently by the American Journal of Psychiatry suggests that being bullied is a bigger deal than most people thought. Some adults believe that a certain amount of bullying is part of normal kid-interactions. Many people think that the effects of bullying go away as kids get older and find different friends to hang out with. But this isn’t so. According to this new research, being bullied as a child leads to poor outcomes when those kids become adults.

Here’s how this study worked.  In 1958, over 7700 parents in England, Scotland and Wales were asked to comment of the level of bullying experienced by their children ages 7 to 11. The children were then followed until age 50. Researchers found that 28% of children were bullied occasionally and 15% were bullied frequently – rates of bullying similar in the United Kingdom today.

They then found that those children who were bullied were more likely to be in poor health, to have mental health issues, and to have lower intelligence at age 50 than people who were not bullied as children. Adults who were victimized by bullies in childhood were more likely to be depressed, have anxiety disorders, be unemployed, have less education and earn less money than adults who were not bullied as children. These harmful effects were evident even when the study held constant other factors like childhood IQ, parents’ socioeconomic status, parenting style, and children’s pre-existing emotional or behavioral problems. Overall, being bullied as a child derails a person’s future in multiple ways, even in the absence of other factors than might also get in the way.

This is not to say, of course, that every child who is bullied ends up as an unhappy, unsuccessful grownup. Keep in mind that research tells what’s generally true, not what’s always true in individual cases. If your child has been bullied, she is not destined to despair. But at the same time, this study points up the importance of intervention as bullying is going on and intervention later to get a teen who was bullied in elementary school back on track.

If bullying is going on for your child or other children you know, here are some things to do.

1. Pay attention, don’t ignore things. Even if bullying goes away, the effects can linger. Stop bullying as soon as you realize it’s happening.
2. Take action by insisting the school take charge. Even if bullying is happening in the neighborhood, there’s a good chance that it’s also evident at your child’s school.
3. Avoid blaming your child for being a victim. Being bullied isn’t the fault of the child on the receiving end. There is little he did to make this happen to him and little he can do to make the bullying stop. Supporting your child means not expecting him to solve this on his own.
4. Don’t be a bully yourself. The adult effects of childhood bullying mirror the adult effects of harsh parenting at home. Your child needs to feel safe. That can’t happen if things are falling apart in your family or if you are verbally or physically abusive with your kids.
5. If your child seems to need professional help to overcome the effects of being picked on, then find a way to provide that. Helping your teen get things back on track after an experience of being bullied as a child is essential to her future happiness.

Lead researcher Ryu Takizawa says this study shows that “the effects of bullying are still visible nearly four decades later. The impact of bullying is persistent and pervasive, with health, social and economic consequences lasting well into adulthood.”

If your child is being bullied, get busy.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Parenting: A Field Guide, at your favorite bookstore.

If you are the parent of a child aged nine and up, you are already aware of the shift in perspective that happens in the preteen years. Suddenly, peers and friendships take on more importance than before.  While your child still values your opinion, you certainly are no longer the center of your child’s social world. Her friends are. And with this shift comes a need to keep from you some of what’s going on.

You won’t be told everything. Your child will keep from you things that he thinks should be secret. He won’t tell you things that are just between him and his friends. And this, obviously, can be a problem, because he is not yet a good judge of what he can handle and what you need to know.

Keeping secrets becomes something of an obsession in the preteen years. This is the age of the locked diary, after all. Mystery, intrigue, and hidden information of all sorts attract older elementary school students. Being able to keep a secret is a mark of self-control and competence and kids this age know it.

So children in the preteen years are likely to keep secrets. In addition, your child’s friends may make her pledge to keep a secret. Your child may be burdened not only with secrets of her own but with the secrets of others and the weight of a promise not to tell.

Couple this interest in secrets and the power of children’s social relationships with a preteen’s growing awareness of adult issues and sexual vulnerability and it’s obvious that a kid can get in over his head pretty quickly. Keeping secrets becomes a trap. Even if he is not personally involved in his friends’ worries, hearing about them and pledging to keep them secret can cause your child problems. Research has shown that adolescents who keep secrets and cannot unburden themselves to a trusted adult are more anxious and troubled than children who are not.

You cannot derail the interest in secrets. But you can keep the lines of communication open. Do this in two ways:

• First, have a conversation with your child today – before you even think there’s a secret she’s keeping – about sharing important information. Let her know that some things should be told, even if it seems scary or dangerous or even if she’s made a promise not to tell. Let her know that if a friend shares a secret, your child should decide for herself if keeping the secret is a good idea or if telling an adult is actually the better course of action. Empower your child to be thoughtful about secrets.
• Second, make certain you are someone who can be trusted with confidential information. Be someone who isn’t easily shocked, who doesn’t immediately jump to conclusions, and who doesn’t shush or shame a child for revealing disturbing information. If you want your child to tell you what’s bothering him, you have to be the sort of person who makes things better, not someone who makes things worse. You establish your credibility over time. The time to start being open-minded and non-judgmental is now.

Even with this sort of advance planning, you will stumble on secrets your child is keeping from you. What should you do then?

• If you suspect your child is keeping secret something you think you and she should talk about, then say so. There’s no need to ask the child if she’s keeping something secret – there’s no point in forcing her to lie to you. Instead, say what you suspect and start the conversation from there: “I’ve noticed that your friends were talking about shoplifting at the mall. Tell me about that…” Remember that your ultimate objective is to keep the lines of communication open between the two of you, not to shame your child or make her feel she has to hide things from you. Make this a friendly conversation.
• If you discover a secret your child has been keeping from you, the same process applies. Don’t ask questions that will encourage lying but simply say what you found out and go from there. “I was cleaning your room yesterday and I saw some things that make me think you’re smoking pot. Tell me about that…” Your child may accuse you of snooping. Don’t deny it. Say, “Yes, I was putting your clothes away in the drawers and I found things.”

Which brings up the question, should you snoop? Should you read your child’s diary, go through her desk drawers, search her computer? Maybe. If you really and truly have cause for concern, if you think your child is considering suicide, for example, or is acting erratically, then searching for clues might be the wise thing to do. It might save your child’s life. But keep in mind that your relationship with your child is built on trust. Whatever you do that erodes that trust has potential to erode your relationship.

Keeping secrets can become a trap. It’s the mechanism on which pedophiles, bullies and abusers rely.  It’s the place where feelings can spiral out of control and lead to catastrophic consequences.

Help your child and your child’s friends know the difference between secrets that are fun to keep and secrets that must be shared.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Look for free downloads on Dr. Anderson’s website at www.patricianananderson.com.

Our family made a cross-country move the year our younger son was three. He left a best buddy who lived next door, a familiar preschool, and a backyard creek full of crayfish. He told me with all sincerity, “You’ve ruined my life.”

If a three-year-old can feel this strongly about moving to a new home, it’s easy to see how older children and teens can feel equally done-to. Clearly, my son blamed Mom and Dad for his forced removal. Moving is difficult enough for a grown-up, who at least chose to make the move or knows the reasons behind it. How hard it must be for a child who can never really understand.

But you should try to help him understand. It’s never a good idea to announce a move to a new home suddenly or casually. You don’t want your child to feel like just a piece of furniture that can be packed up and hauled off without explanation. The more time your child has before the move, the more included he will feel in the process. You can include him in finding out about the new town or neighborhood and maybe even take him along on house-hunting or apartment-hunting trips. Older children can research their new schools online and use maps to figure out the closest playground or sports center in your new location.

At the same time, your child doesn’t need to be privy to the ups and downs of your dealings with a mortgage lender, to family debates over money, or to arguments about the best neighborhoods and schools. Bring your child into the process over the fun parts, not the stressful parts. Bring your child in only after you know most of the details.

Once you’ve signed a rental contract or had a purchase offer accepted, make frequent visits to the new neighborhood if you’re moving somewhere nearby. Get out of the car and walk around, visit the grocery store you’ll like use, attend services at what will be your new church. Do what you can to make the new place seem familiar.

At the same time, help your child before the move to assemble memories of the old place. She can take digital photos of her favorite people and her old house. The family can make a sort of farewell tour of well-loved haunts before finally packing up and moving away. The places we’ve lived stay with us. Make your child’s final memories of her home happy ones. If your family moved during your own children, you know some of the emotions your child will feel.

Once you’re in your new home, move quickly to help your children get established.
•   Strike up conversations with other parents in the neighborhood and be proactive in hosting get-togethers with other kids.
•   If you move during the summer, when there’s no school, children can be especially lonely. Think ahead and line up team play or a class for your child so she is assured of at least some kid-interaction each week.
•   It’s okay if your child wants to maintain connections with his friends at his old home. Use Skype or email as a free way to keep in touch with old friends, particularly if the distance is too great for a visit. If an old friend is not too far, invite him to your new home; your child will enjoy showing him around.
•   Take these steps yourself: get involved, invite moms over for coffee, volunteer to host your neighborhood Christmas party, get involved in the neighborhood association or school. If you are active in the new location, it’s easier for your kids to get acclimated too.

Moving is a leave-taking but it’s also an arrival. Help your child see the silver lining and the new opportunities hidden in the move.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

If your kid seems less capable these days of managing social situations, her attachment to digital devices might be at fault. A recent study suggests that kids are better at reading social cues after they’ve taken a break from electronic media.

In the study, a small group (51) of sixth grade students spent five days at an outdoor education camp, with no access to television, computers, cell phones, and other electronic devices. A similar number of preteens (54) from the same school and grade served as the control group and attended school as usual during the five days the experimental group was at camp. Both sets of students reported about four-and-a-half hours as their usual daily media use.

Before and after the experimental period, all the students took tests of their ability to recognize the emotional content of facial expressions from still photographs and silenced videos. Before the media blackout, the students in the experimental group scored the same as the students in the control group in their ability to read others’ feelings. But after the camp experience with no media access, the students in the experimental group scored significantly higher than the kids who stayed at school in their ability to respond to others’ facial expressions and nonverbal cues.

This is intriguing. The fact that a significant effect was found after such a short-term media diet with such a small number of students suggests that restricting digital access while upping face-to-face interactions is indeed effective in helping preteens understand others. It is possible, of course, that just being outdoors might have reset kids’ thinking. It might be that just the novel situation of being away at camp and engaging in all the group activities that go on in such a situation, may have been the bigger factor. It’s unclear if it was the lack of media or the increase in other things that caused the difference. But there was a difference.

During the preteen and teen years, the ability to read emotions of others (and oneself) is an important skill for social and life success. Previous studies have demonstrated that older kids are just not very good at this skill. So anything that interferes with this or that can enhance it is important to us parents. What should we do?

1. Set limits on children’s media use. You’ve heard this before but here’s another reason to actually do something. If all that media is causing your child’s social skills to be stifled, it’s time to turn things off.
2. Increase your children’s face-to-face interactions. Talk with your children and listen to them when they talk. Eat meals together. Help your kids have more time for friends. Kids can’t get better at reading social cues without practice in social situations.
3. Change things up. The outdoor camp experience in the study was a different-from-normal way to spend five school days. How different-from-normal are your own days at home? Hiking trips, visits to the city, travel to other places, even taking in a movie together shakes things up, gives you and your kid something to talk about, and gets you all in a different, more social frame of mind.
4. Go slow with educational technology. Schools are becoming more reliant on media, permitting students to engage with handhelds during class and even supplying students with handhelds to use. This might be a socially costly mistake.

We know that babies need human interaction to develop attachment to others and to feel good about themselves. We know that for babies and toddlers screen time is no substitute for real human interaction. It appears that older children are very much the same. The need for human interaction doesn’t go away.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Look for free downloads on Dr. Anderson’s website at www.patricianananderson.com.