We all know that talking or texting while driving is a bad thing to do. We know that teens are especially likely to use their phones while behind the wheel. But who are they talking to? You!

A study of 400 teens, aged 15 to 18 from 31 states, reported that more than half of their calls – 53% – were from their mother or father. According to Noelle LaVoie, lead researcher, “Teens said parents expect to be able to reach them, that parents get mad if they don’t answer their phone and they have to tell parents where they are.” Teens also said their parents use their phones while driving and don’t seem to think that calling or texting while driving is a big deal.

Of course, it is a big deal. In 2011 cell phone use was blamed in nearly one-quarter of all fatal crashes involving teen drivers. Cell phones are responsible for an even greater number of non-fatal accidents, accidents that can put your teen in the hospital, raise your insurance rates, or damage your car. Yet a 2013 survey found that 86% of high school juniors and seniors routinely use their cell phones while driving.

You are part of this problem. Here’s what you must do, starting right now.

1. If you know your child is driving, don’t call her. Just don’t. Wait until you can imagine she’s safely arrived at her destination.
2. Nothing you have to say is so important as keeping your kid’s eyes on the road. You can afford to let your child get back to you when it’s safe to do so.
3. Make it clear to your child that you do not want her to answer your call or text if she’s driving. In fact, make it clear that she should never answer anyone’s call or text while on the road. Don’t crab at your kid or penalize her for not answering you immediately.
4. Set a good example. Quit talking on the phone or texting while you drive and stop answering the phone when you’re on the road. If you believe an incoming call is vital, pull over and stop the car.

The notion that a brain can do two things at once has been demonstrated to be false. Instead, brains do one thing at a time, switching attention between competing needs. Teens are not any better at multitasking than adults are. They have not somehow trained their brains to attend to more than one thing at once.

Similarly, the notion that driving is so automatic that there’s lots of brain bandwidth left over for phone use is not true. Certainly while you drive, your brain has time to think of things you should be doing and people you need to talk with. But your brain doesn’t have capacity to actually do those things or launch those conversations. Get where you’re going, then do what you need to do.

Parents have been demonstrated to be a huge part of the problem of teens’ distracted driving. Now it’s time for parents to be a huge part of the solution.
 

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s book, Parenting: A Field Guide, at your favorite bookstore.

Look around the next time you eat in a fast food restaurant: what are parents doing while their children eat? A new study published by the American Academy of Pediatrics found that most parents are on the phone.

Researchers watched 55 parents or caregivers and their children as they shared a fast food meal. A whopping 70% of adults (about 39 of them) used their phone – to talk, text, surf the web, check social media, or even watch videos – at least once.  One-third of them used the phone continuously while the children ate.

The children noticed, of course. The study found that kids acted up while their parents were focused on their phones more than they did when parents were focused on them. Parents whose children misbehaved over-reacted, according to researchers, instead of reacting more appropriately.

Naturally, this is a problem. Children who act out in public are a nuisance. Parents who are unreasonably harsh are less successful in guiding their children. But the problem is deeper. Parents who ignore their children during mealtimes are missing out on important learning opportunities for their kids.

Researcher Elaine Schulte notes, “Children really need that interaction and the best thing for developing minds is to build that relationship where the parent is looking at the child, where the child is looking at the parent, they’re engaging in conversation.” Children whose parents have withdrawn into their own, handheld world miss out on chances to talk and think. Conversation is an important vehicle for learning. Less conversation means less learning.

The problem may not be confined to fast food dining. The problem may be happening at other meals, maybe even at your house, during family dinner time. What can you do instead?

1. Keep phones away from the table.  Put them in another room entirely. This goes for children’s phones and handhelds too.
2. Put phones – while they’re away from the table in another room –  on mute during mealtimes so you won’t be distracted by a beeping notification.
3. Turn off the television too.
4. Talk with your children about pleasant topics. Be prepared with neutral conversation starters, like “What was the funniest thing that happened today?” or “Where would you go if you could travel anywhere?” Get your children talking and talk with them.
5. If no one talks with you, talk yourself. Answer your own question. If your family is unused to making conversation, it may take some time to get things rolling.

Don’t give up. If you’re used to consulting your phone frequently, not consulting it will seem odd and uncomfortable. Stick with this, though. Make a new habit to replace the old one.

Make the habit of talking with your kids.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Parenting: A Field Guide, at your favorite bookstore.

The next time you take your child to a hands-on children’s museum – you know, one with exhibits kids are supposed to play with – notice what the grownups who follow the children around are doing. There’s a right way – and a wrong way – to enjoy a children’s museum with your kid.

Here’s what the wrong way looks like:

• A parent demonstrates the correct method of manipulating a piece of equipment. He shows the child “how to do it” as if there were only one way.
• A parent launches in long, boring explanations of the scientific principles behind the exhibit. If the child is fidgeting, not listening, and obviously wants to escape and play, then this parent is just showing off.
• A parent makes playing with the exhibits some sort of test, so that the child is peppered with questions and corrected if her answers aren’t right.
• A parent hurries a child along, as if trying to see the entire museum and get his money’s worth. The parent may do this even though the child is apparently fascinated by one thing and wants to play with it longer.
• A parent is bored and wants to go home. Nothing in this museum is interesting to her. She really would like her child to leave but he’s totally focused on playing.
• A parent is so glued to her cell phone that she completely forgets about her child. A staff member finds him sitting in the water table, totally soaked.

You don’t make any of these mistakes, do you?

Of course not! You know that the whole idea of hands-on children’s museums is to let kids mess around with stuff they can’t fiddle with at home. The whole idea of these places is to stimulate children’s thinking and help them solve problems suggested by the equipment. The role of the smart parent is to watch over her child, guide him in finding things to explore, and then pretty much just enjoy what he figures out.

Your child may spend an hour in just one area of the museum, playing with just one thing. That’s okay. This is what children do. They work and work and work on something until they master it. Only then can they move on to something else.

Your child may flit from one area to another. This is okay too. Your child is looking for something that clicks for him, something that captures his attention and intrigues him. You may need to do a little demonstrating, playing with something yourself to help your child see the possibilities. And then you need to follow him around until he settles in.

Children’s museum admission fees can be expensive. It’s natural to want to “get your money’s worth” and see it all. But that just doesn’t fit with the preschool thought process. If you have a children’s museum in your area, buy a year-long membership so you can drop in frequently, stay only as long as your child is having fun, and come back again soon. Frequent, short visits are less frustrating for parents and more educational for kids.

If you are visiting with a couple children of different ages, it helps to go with a second adult, so the kids can split up and play with what interests them, instead of trying to keep everyone engaged in the same exhibit. This is especially important if the children are of different ages and abilities.

The fun for parents is to watch the wheels turn in a child’s brain as he realizes how something works. Just watching is the right way for grownups to behave when they “do” a children’s museum.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.