Feeling powerless in the face of the digital landscape of your home? Think you need to don your police uniform? The technological tsunami has most parents afraid and holding their children in lock down. But anger and resistance from a parent who has brought digital access in the home is illogical to the child. Actually simple logic will help.

Fighting over screen time is symptomatic of underlying issues just like any other inappropriate behavior. It signals a problem or miscommunication in the relationship. If you are seen as a controlling parent, and you alone determine the limits on screentime, your children will naturally try to grab every minute they can regardless of how angry you get. As with everything else, if you have a respectful, trusting, open, relationship with your kids, you will be able to agree on schedules. It comes down to relationship. A good relationship also means that your children enjoy spending time with you as well as technology.

When any new device enters your home, accompany it with it’s own set of rules and instructions like anything else you want your children to respect. This is your opportunity for problem-solving and negotiation among family members. Too often families don’t make the effort but instead direct children what not to do after the unwanted behavior happens. When withdrawal of screen/phone privileges becomes the consequence, any hope of coming to agreement is lost. Cooperation does not happen when children fear that what they want most will be taken from them.

Screens are potentially damaging to our children’s brains if not limited. So take the responsibility that is yours and keep young children away from screens altogether, model responsible use yourself, and when devices are introduced, negotiate limits with your child right from the start.

Don’t let screens intimidate you. You are still the parent. It is up to you to provide the environments you want for your children, to model the people you want them to become, to introduce nature and beauty, to stop your busy lives and go out to explore what’s off the grid. It is unrealistic to expect your child to turn off these highly entertaining devices completely, especially when you stay tied to your own devices.

There is not one way to set limits on screen time as it depends on your kids. You can allow a responsible, engaged child more leeway to self-monitor than one who finds his only solace on a screen.

Discuss the how, when, and where conditions around a new phone, device or game. It’s more difficult once problems arise but basically the same:

1. Schedule a time to make decisions. Not on the fly. Scheduling time highlights the importance.
2. If you have absolutes, state them right away, own them as yours. “It is important to me that there is no screen time when there is outstanding homework or chores. Does anyone have any problem with that?”
3. Discuss time. “What do you think is a reasonable amount of time for…?” State what you think and negotiate until you agree.
4. Discuss when and what days. Begin with open discussion, “What makes sense to you?”
5. Discuss gray areas: weekday use, mornings, weekends, etc. If your child is being resistant or bored by this, try, “Here’s what I think should happen. Do you agree? Remember we are staying on this until we agree. This is not about me telling you what to do.”
6. Discuss what’s off limits, i.e. restaurants, short car rides, the dinner table.
7. Write down all agreements. It may or may not be necessary to all sign a contract.
8. Post the agreements until there are no longer questions/your child can self-regulate.
9. Reevaluate after a one-week experiment to access how the agreements are working.
10. Expect reminders and allow a few minutes leeway for agreed on times.

If resistance is high, avoid fighting and wait for the reevaluation. Explain then that you have noticed the agreed on time limit was too hard for your child to follow and a new agreement seems necessary. Keep reevaluating until it works.

So many children, especially ones who feel incompetent in school, have finally found success online. When parents criticize that success and threaten to take it away, the cyberworld looks like a far happier place to be. When the home and school environment meets children’s needs, the internet becomes merely an adjunct entertainment.

“My child doesn’t listen to me,” is one of the most frequent complaints I hear from frustrated parents. Of course he does—when you say something he likes.

The reason kids don’t pay attention is that they don’t like what they hear.

Most children anticipate either being blamed, threatened or told what they have to do that they don’t want to do. They become programmed to be parent deaf. Imagine if you recorded the dialogue between you and your child in any given day. What would you hear?

“Come on, hurry up. What are you doing?”

“How many times have I told you…?”

“Would you please leave him alone.”

“It’s time to turn off [whatever the screen of choice].”

“Get to bed.”

“You have to eat….”

“You can’t eat….”

“Stop it. Don’t do that.”

“You have to do your homework.”

“If you don’t…, you’re not going to get to…”

And this is kind.

Because they are told what to do all day long, they feel powerless so don’t pay attention—unless they are too afraid not to. This doesn’t mean letting children do what they want. But how do you like being told what to do?

The key is to give your child some power and put her in the driver’s seat, engage her in the process, problem solve so that she knows she won’t lose. And don’t punish or threaten so she doesn’t have to figure out how to avoid getting in trouble. Children pay attention when there is something in it for them. Never underestimate the power of normal, developmental egocentrism.

Here are 5 ways to encourage listening and cooperation:

1. Put your directions in the positive. “Feet belong on the floor.” “See if you can make the baby smile.” “I don’t listen to words I don’t like. Take a breath and try again with words that you mean.”
2. Give choices. “Do you want to get in the car seat by yourself or do you want me to put you in?” or “Do you want to crawl in like a lion or fly in like a bird?”

“You don’t have a choice about going to the doctor but you do have a choice about how you feel about being there. You can be really angry and hate it or you can decide that this is your body and no one can take care of it better than you and part of that is having a doctor check you over. What will you decide?”

“I want the toys picked up and I need your help. Do you want to pick up the red ones or the green ones? I’ll pick up the other colors.”

3. Change threats to motivation. “As soon as you get out of the tub, we can read books. What one shall we start with tonight?”

“When the dishes are done, I will take you to your friends.”

“After your homework is done, then you can play a video game.”

“I would like your room cleaned sometime this week. If you do that for me, I will help you with….”

4. Make your child the authority. Don’t direct. “What do you wish you could say to him if you could say anything without reprimand?” Then, “What do you think you could say when you see him next?”

“What do you want to get out of this school year? What grades would you like? This education is for you, it’s not for your parents or your teachers. It’s about what you want. Imagine overhearing your teacher in the hallway telling someone else about you. What would you like to hear her say?”

“I know you’ll be able to figure out how to make that happen.”

5. Problem solve. “You don’t want to clean up the floor and I don’t want to either. What do you think we should do about it?” (True answer from a 3 yr. old, “I know, I’ll call in the dog and he can lick it up and I’ll clean up the rest with a paper towel.”

“I’m having a problem with how much of your time is spent on the computer. I know you love playing games. If you were the parent and I were you, how much time do you think I should have? Why?”

Of course there are times when we have to tell our children what to do and give a firm “no”, but when children know they are important, heard, and their agendas are taken into consideration, like anyone else, they will rise to challenges, be cooperative, and join in when things have to get done. When we respect our children and treat them like intelligent human beings who have ideas of their own, it’s amazing how much easier parenting can be.

Isn’t our job to empower our children so they can grow into their teen years and adulthood feeling strong, capable, and making good decisions. They must start that apprenticeship early on so it comes naturally when they are faced with tough situations. If children aren’t allowed to say “no” to us when they are little, how can we expect them to say “no” to a peer when temptation becomes great. If we tell them what to do, when to do it, and how to do it, they don’t learn and then we get frustrated when they don’t take responsibility for themselves.

Parents typically and inadvertently teach their children that school performance is for the parent and the teacher—not for them. Parents place so much value on grades and performance that the message to the child is, I care more about how you do than what you do. For too many children, school is a place to endure, and if they don’t do well, they can feel like they are a huge disappointment to the most important people in their lives. We need to hand over education to our children and let them know they have our support in doing the best they can but not our disapproval if they don’t.

Jacquelynne Eccles, professor of psychology and research scientist at the University of Michigan, has said, “… motivation and engagement in school on average drops as they move from the elementary school into the secondary school system. You see it in attendance, in getting into trouble, in drop outs from high school and also in dropping out of college.” Dr. Eccles’ perspective of why this is stems from the mindset of the student. She explains, “They don’t think they can succeed in school. They don’t think it’s important; they don’t see its relevance to their lives. It creates too much anxiety. It’s not taught in a way that’s interesting, so it has no appeal to them.” She says, “…students are more likely to be fully engaged in school if they expect they can do well and if they value the learning that schools provide.”

That’s where parents come in. Eccles goes on to say that intrinsic motivation is essential and is reinforced for students when parents are in active discussion about the relevance of their education.

Unfortunately most parenting practices focus on extrinsic motivation: giving a “consequence” for undesirable behavior, performance, grades, etc. Whenever rewards or punishments (withdrawal of privileges, phones, freedom) are used by parents in an attempt to motivate better behavior, the opposite is usually the result. That is because the motivation is external, and nothing intrinsic is learned.

It is critical to maintain connection with your children through positive relationships based on trust that your children want to do well. You are their rock. Make sure that you support whatever their experience is and believe in their ultimate success.

Ways to help your children feel motivated in school:

1. Greet your child everyday after school with physical touch, eye contact and words expressing how happy you are to see them. Save questions about their day for later or wait until they tell you.
2. Trust them to handle their own homework assignments. Do show interest in their studies and assignments. Offer your help when needed, but try not to get involved without being asked.
3. Give your children ownership of their education. Let them experience the consequences of good or bad grades without adding your approval or disapproval. Acknowledge their effort at all times (even when you see little). When they do well, express that you know how proud they must be of themselves (intrinsic) rather than how proud you are of them (extrinsic).
4. Value school-related activities other than grades and test scores, i.e. being helpful to a friend, interest in something non-academic, relationships with teachers and friends, sports, music.
5. Ask each child what they would like to accomplish this year—how they would like the school year to end and how to reach that goal. Notice where effort, determination, and mastery occur.
6. Ask, “If you were to overhear your teacher talking about you, what would you like to hear your teacher say?”
7. Focus on the process and content of their learning. Take focus off grades and performance. Never compare one child’s accomplishments with another’s.
8. When grades are given, ask your children what they think—are they fair, are they accurately representative of their effort? Let them grade themselves.
9. If your children are having difficulty, help them break work down into small bit-sized chunks that can be accomplished more easily. Validate their effort and be understanding of their frustration. Share a story from your past.
10. Try not to punish (give consequences) or reward performance or grades. Do not teach your children that what you care most about is what they produce.

Your children want nothing more than to be a successful learner. If they fall behind or do poorly, they tend to focus on and exaggerate their difference from other students and consider themselves a failure—if their parents have not placed value on learning for learning’s sake instead of performance.

Our kids need to feel unconditionally accepted. When performance is poor, that acceptance means, You are having a difficult time right now. Let’s find out how to make it better, rather than, You are not doing what I want you to do. You then accept the difficulty your child is experiencing instead of putting conditions on it.

Your child will better understand the relevance of his education when you value learning over performance. When you are there as their support, when home is the place they can let it all hang out, they become motivated by your belief in them. Then success at any level becomes something they strive for.

 

Are you trying to be your child’s “best friend forever”? Or are you a friend to your child? All kinds of strings are attached to BFFs, but a true friend should involve no strings whatsoever. Maybe it’s the qualities of a BFF parent that make us think that friendship should not enter the relationship.

All the “experts” say, “Don’t be your child’s friend.” Why not? I have a hard time understanding that point of view. Is it because we want to be able to punish, reprimand, and restrict our children? Is it because we want more power over them than a friend would have? I want to examine this friendship idea.

What is a friend? Someone you can count on; someone who is loyal, honest, and trustworthy; someone you really like and even love; someone you want in your life for a very long time; someone you empathize with who can empathize with you; someone who gives you a shoulder to cry on, listens, and understands your problems without fixing them or giving unwanted advice; someone who doesn’t talk about you behind your back but instead has your back; someone you really like being with because you can be yourself. Wouldn’t you like those qualities in a parent?

Afraid that being your child’s friend means not being able to hold him accountable because your authority would be undermined? Don’t you hold your friends accountable for their behavior? When we can’t say no to our friends, hold them accountable for certain behavior, or speak honestly, it indicates poor boundaries—not a great foundation for friendship.

The BFF Parent:

1. Alters own needs to suite child’s demands
2. Does anything to avoid child’s upset
3. Is dishonest to protect child from the “big, bad world”
4. Avoids loneliness by sharing inappropriate information
5. Demands loyalty and companionship through attached strings
6. Tries to fix child’s problems to gain love and appreciation
7. Asks child to keep secrets
8. Uses child as confidante for own problems
9. Holds back feelings to be nice, yet might blow-up in a rage
10. Insists that child has similar tastes, values, and opinions

The Parent who is also a friend:

• Enjoys spending time, hanging out with, and just being with the child
• Shares ideas, opinions, stories and encourages the same
• Learns what activities child enjoys and becomes familiar with them
• Listens and acknowledges feelings but does not take responsibility for child’s problems, upsets, or disappointments
• Shows respect and consideration in all communication and never, ever speaks disrespectfully, hurtfully, or abusively
• Laughs a lot and tells jokes
• Encourages child to find own way, follow own path, develop own values and opinions
• Is willing to speak honestly trusting the relationship will remain strong
• Behaves in way that does not betray trust
• Expresses anger and deals with child’s anger
• Is also the authority figure—someone the child looks up to, learns from and emulates because of the preceding attributes

I wonder if the qualities of friendship restrict parents too much from speaking disrespectfully and doling out whatever critical, labeling or punitive reactions arise in the heat of the moment. I wonder if being a friend to your child requires accountability that most parents don’t want to be held to. Are we afraid that our children won’t respect us if we are their friends? Don’t you respect your friends?

In the parent-child relationship, we are more than friends. We are teachers and guides; we provide for them and are responsible for their care and upbringing, but this does not preclude friendship as well. Problems arise when we try to be “best friends forever”. Or when we are not their friends.

There are ways to make the demands of parenting young children both easier for you and more effective for your children. It is so important to be able to listen and pay attention to what is going on in these little minds. This often takes scheduled time in our busy days. Even stay-at-home parents often disregard the importance of spending this kind of time. Whenever you have the opportunity to give your children 100% of your attention, do it even if it’s for a half an hour. Done consistently, you will learn so much about your kids that will pay off well into the future.

No matter what ages, your kids have agendas that are just as important to them as yours are to you. You have to get out the door and get your kids to wherever they have to go so you can get to work on time—and your kids have to pick out all the shoes from the shoe bin to see what’s there and then put them on and take them off again, line up his cars in the living room and barricade them so as not to be swiped by a sibling, eat breakfast at a pace appropriate to one’s age and hunger level, and express uncontrollable outrage at the parent, sibling or dog who interferes with any of this.

It is not your job to give up your agenda in order for your child to accomplish his. As a matter of fact, when you do this to avoid a meltdown or feelings of disappointment, you are not only sacrificing your needs in the process but are traveling down the road to entitlement by teaching your children that their needs are more important than yours.

Balance is the key. So when five different agendas are clashing during the morning rush, acknowledging them will save time. The mindset that a parent’s agenda is paramount requires all others to climb on board, and if they don’t, it is viewed as defiant and disrespectful. This kind of thinking will get you spinning in endless power struggles and then feeling guilty and inadequate all day long. Not to mention how your reactions fuel your children’s behavior when they perceive they have to fight not only for what they want but also for their sense of rightness.

Acknowledgment means patience and understanding. Simply allowing that your children do and should have their own ideas and ways of doing things without blaming them for lack of consideration will go a long way. If you have a minute, breathe and pay attention to what it is they are trying to accomplish.

“You really wish you could stay here and play with your train set. Why don’t you set up the next 3 train cars and then make it longer as soon as you get home” doesn’t guarantee smooth sailing, but it does let your child know that you have seen him and care about what he is up to.

“What is one last thing you need to do before we get coats on and leave the house?” This gives your child a chance to be in control while at the same time doing what you are asking. It’s a win/win.

Choices go a long way in helping strong-willed, rushed, or frustrated children feel important. Many might say that children get too many choices and need to learn to do what they are told. However, those children who have strong opinions may need choices when learning and developing cooperation. Giving them a consistent structure and routine for the day with room for some personal choices within that framework gives them a sense of personal power that enables them to be amazingly cooperative when necessary.

Times of stress are not times for reasoning or trying to make your child understand your agenda. When the five-year-old has had it with his younger brother destroying the fort he has built with the couch cushions, he loses it. Telling him he should know better, that he’s the big brother and should realize that his brother doesn’t understand will only fuel his anger. Sitting silently close by waiting for the storm to pass allows for the feelings to empty so that problem solving can be accomplished when rational thought returns.

Giving in or giving up to expedite what must be done in the moment, while necessary at times, will only lead to learned habits that make future cooperation harder and harder. Invest the time up front and you will gain so much for the long haul.

5 Things Never to Ask Your Child Right After School

1. How was school today?
2. What do you have for homework?
3. When are you going to do your homework?
4. What did you get on the test?
5. What did you learn today?

You want to interact and make a connection as soon as your kids get home. Your kids do too, but not in the way you might think. You’ve missed them, want to know what they did in your absence, how they got along, or if they had any problems. But to your kids, questions can feel like an interrogation. They have just spent a long hard day trying to meet school expectations, such as listening to teachers, following directions, doing things they don’t necessarily want to do, coping as best they can, and hopefully working hard and learning. They need a break. They need to know, here is the place where I am completely accepted and loved. They need to chill.

Each of these 5 questions is filled with an expectation.

1. How was school today?

What if school was terrible? Your child may or may not want to tell you because he has a picture of exactly how you will react. Does he want to tell you the truth and have you get upset or worried and immediately ask more questions? Or does he want to make you happy so you won’t do the above. Even if it all went well, he probably doesn’t want to go through the details of the day—yet.

Safest answer: “Fine.”

2. What do you have for homework?

Homework is the last thing she wants to think about right now. Going through her head with this question is, Do you expect me to work all the time? Give me a break and get off my back. Your child has many more important things on her mind once she is out of school and probably none of them have to do with homework.

Safest answer: “I don’t have any.”

3. When are you going to do your homework?

Your child hears that all you care about is homework and grades. Is that true? Make sure you don’t have to police your child’s homework time. Establish ground rules about homework at the beginning of each year. With your guidance, allow your child to determine the best time and place to do homework. Keep it as consistent as possible, be interested and close at hand but assume he will do it himself. Let him know when you’re available and when not if help is needed.

Safest answer: “Later.”

4. What did you get on the test?

Asking about grades on tests sends the message to your child that your approval comes in grades as well. If your child did well, she will be thrilled to tell you without the question. If she did poorly, what does she expect your response to be? Will she get grounded, a privilege removed, extra homework time piled on?

Safest answer: “We didn’t get it back.”

5. What did you learn today?

Talking about what your child is learning is a subject worthy of discussion—at a later time. Do be involved in your child’s learning, let him know you care and are interested in what he’s doing in school, learn along with him, but save the talk until he brings it up or until it is a logical discussion during homework time.

Safest answer: “Nothing.”

When your kids get off the bus, climb in the car, or come through the door, welcome them back home. A big smile, a hug, a touch, and an “I’m so glad to see you” or “Hello, my darling” will give your kids the grounding that home provides with no expectations. Your unconditional happiness in greeting them will create the stress-free, safe haven they need to refuel and relax…and will set up the way the rest of the day goes.

A happy greeting can wipe clean any negative interactions left over from a morning conflict or difficulties at school. Your kids will know they’re home and can chill. There is plenty of time later for what you want to know about their day. Be patient and meet your children where they are at the end of a long school day.

We’re great at calling out our kids for their misbehavior, but rarely do we take the time to look into what provoked that behavior in the first place. We just want it to change, and so we use some type of tactic (rewards or punishments) to try to get the behavior we want. Seldom does it work—at least in the long run. The behavior alone is only the tip of the iceberg. It’s what lies beneath the surface that needs our attention—and also where real change occurs.

We’re quick to say things like, “He’s just doing that to get my attention” or “She did that for no reason at all.” These statements indicate we do not completely understand behavior. First of all, why wouldn’t a child want your attention 24/7? When he is dismissed or yelled at for going after attention, he gets the message that he’s bad for wanting it.

There is always a reason for unacceptable behavior, whether we see it or not. You may never know what it was that provoked a particular behavior—maybe another child called your child a name in school and she’s taking it out on her little brother. The important thing to know is that there is always a reason.

Children are very impulsive and their emotions get the better of them a great deal of the time. We certainly say and do things we don’t mean, don’t we? Let’s give our kids that same leeway. They make lots of mistakes.

Here are some possible reasons for your child’s misbehavior:

1. She feels misunderstood. Let’s say she has hit her little brother. You punish the hitting by yelling, blaming, sending her to her room, taking something away or threatening her. You ignore the fact that she was provoked: her brother took something of hers, or he represents competition for your time and attention. The hitting is not okay, but the more you react, the more she feels misunderstood.
2. He feels unacceptable or unloved. A child’s greatest need is acceptance. When you try to get him to be different, to do something he just can’t, he thinks you don’t like him the way he is and so he behaves accordingly. You react punitively thinking the negative effect will eliminate the undesirable behavior, but the message to your child is that you don’t accept him the way he is.
3. She feels left out, alone. Whether she’s been rejected by a friend, she’s left behind, she’s isolated in time out, or not invited to a birthday party, a young child will feel abandoned and very alone. Kids don’t go to other kids and ask, “Has that ever happened to you? How do you feel about it?” Instead they feel like they’re the only one in the world.
4. He can’t meet up to your expectations. When you set the bar higher than your child can meet because you don’t understand how hard it may be for him to do what you want, you send the message that he’ll never be good enough.
5. She thinks it’s unfair. You name it and kids think it’s not fair. You try to reason with her about why it is fair. By denying her feelings, she feels it all the more. Even though we all know life is not fair, kids just want their feelings to be heard.
6. He feels stupid, less than, not as good as others. Whether your child knows he cannot do the math problems like his classmates, his sibling always seems to have an easier time of it, his peers choose someone else, feeling like a failure can lead to resentment and anger toward others.

Your job is to understand what emotions lie beneath the surface and not simply react to the tip, to only what you see. First connect with your child’s feelings whether or not you agree or think they are justified. Many times all you need to do is restate what they are trying to say. “You think what I said is unfair.” “You get sick and tired of your brother being around.” “It’s really hard to think you’re not as smart as the rest.” When you deny their feelings or try to explain your reasoning behind it—“You are just as smart as everyone else”—you add to the feelings of alone and misunderstood. When you connect, your child feels understood and accepted. Then she will be willing to see how she could have handled it differently.

Unacceptable behavior is your signal that your child is HAVING a problem, not BEING a problem. When we address only the behavior, usually with some form of punitive reaction, we add insult to injury. Why would she want to change her behavior if she is made to feel bad about herself? As Jane Nelson of Positive Parenting says, “If we want our children to do better, why do we think we must first make them feel worse?”

No matter how unjustified or wrong you think your child’s emotions are, that hurt, that desire, that feeling of being misunderstood are the feelings he has. He wants to know you understand what it feels like. When you can help him feel normal for having big feelings, he will feel okay be more willing to cooperate and learn.

Ever get sick and tired of your kids asking for one more thing?

Ever feel taken for granted because your kids don’t appreciate all you do and buy for them?

Ever wish your teenager was more responsible with money?

Ever wish your children had a little more patience and would stop expecting things to happen RIGHT NOW?

 

If you answered yes to any of these questions, my advice to you is give them an allowance.

Having an allowance will teach your children how to manage, use, save, and value money and develop delayed gratification. Growing up with an allowance will insure that your children manage their own finances responsibly. When children have their own money to spend, they quickly learn the value of what they spend it on. A tempting toy that breaks the first day becomes a lesson in quality. Parents and ATMs are no longer considered or available as an endless supply. Children and parents no longer spend useless time arguing over money and buying.

Giving children an allowance sends a message of trust in the child’s capability. Most important, a child who is raised responsibly with an allowance does not blow it financially after leaving home.

 

When do I start an allowance?

This depends on your child. We started giving our son a quarter a week when he was five or six. He had no idea what it was for and never remembered it. We stopped and started again when he was eight. Our daughter was piling pennies as a toddler so we started hers at five. By the time she was seven, she bought herself an American Girl Doll. When she was thirteen, she paid for a $1700 violin.

 

How much do I give?

This is completely personal and depends on what you expect your child to pay for. When our children were little, allowance was for toys and treats. I always bought their clothes but when they were older, they could add to the money I agreed to spend if they wanted the more expensive items. When they went out with friends, their allowance covered movies and snacks.

Some parents give allowance in two or three segments: 1) spending money, 2) savings account, and 3) charitable giving. Spending money is just that. They must be allowed to spend it on whatever they want in order to learn its value over time. When they blow it on candy, they have nothing left for that toy or video game. When they beg for more money, you can say, “You’ll have it with your next allowance.”

When the amount is decided on, be very clear what it is to be used for so your child is clear and battles can be avoided. If it is to cover all treats and toys, allow your child to blow it all and then empathize and acknowledge his disappointment and anger when you say that next time he can save up to get what he is begging you to buy now. In this way, allowance is a great teacher of boundaries.

 

Is that all they should get?

It’s a good idea to give your children the opportunity to add to their savings by paying them for irregular jobs around the house like raking leaves, cleaning the garage or bathroom, having a lemonade stand. My daughter loved a job she had piling bricks for a penny a brick. We paid for our children’s school lunches each week and they decided whether they wanted to buy lunch or make their own and save the money.

When they complain that they’ll never have enough money to buy x, y, or z, you can suggest extra jobs. As they get older, they might rake leaves for the neighbors or sell some of their old toys at a yard sale. Extra money given for birthdays or holidays always adds an encouraging boost.

 

What if they never save any money?

When they beg for that game “everyone else has”, the unnecessary accessory, the toy they will die without, that is your cue to encourage savings—unless you give the needed money to avoid a meltdown or disappointment. Acknowledge how hard it is when you don’t have the money for something you want, share a story of your own, and ask your child if she would like your help to save up at least part of her allowance each week. Help her figure out how long it will take and mark it on the calendar. Extra jobs can speed the process but in today’s world delayed gratification is a most important lesson. The pride experienced when your child finally has the money and makes the purchase herself is worth every ounce of patience.

 

Do I withhold it when they don’t do their chores?

Allowance should never be tied to chores. When allowance becomes a reward for chores, it loses its teaching value. If it is a reward, it is also a punishment when the chore is not done. This is territory for feuds and resistance. An allowance is for learning the value of money.

Regular jobs are expected because the child is an important, needed member of the family team. Chores can change and should be decided on together but should have no connection to allowance. Allowance should be given regularly each week or month regardless of the child’s performance or behavior for its true lessons to sink in.

 

But why should I just hand over money to my child for nothing?

Giving your child an allowance is like giving your child swimming lessons. Learning to swim means he can be safe in the water. Growing up with an allowance means he learns to be safe with money.

Whenever you are setting rules with your children you can use this rule of thumb.

Every rule you make should fall into one of these 3 general rules:

• Respect Yourself
• Respect Others
• Respect Property

If your rules do not fall into one of these categories, they are likely to be arbitrary and may seem unfair or illogical to your children, hence will not be followed without a power struggle.

For example: No hitting falls under both rules of Respecting Self and Others. Doing chores or jobs around the house comes under Respecting Others (and Property) as does no throwing in the house or no kicking the dog.

However, homework must be done before any gaming time is tricky. It isn’t about respect as much as it is about obedience, which children don’t do well with. Homework time is more of scheduling issue. Be sure not to send the message that you have to do homework when I say so because I don’t trust you. It always backfires when a child feels he has to prove himself to his parent.

To make a homework rule effective you want to insure that it follows the “respect yourself” rule, which means that homework time should be considered mostly by your child with your help and involvement. He must have the right to decide what his needs are after school hours. In other words, if you insist on homework being done first thing after school (so it’s out of your hair and you don’t have to worry about it), that is being disrespectful of your child’s needs. He may need to chill out for a while after a long day at school and have an hour of video gaming or playing outside or whatever before homework, which he might rather do after dinner.

Respecting Yourself means that you can say, “I am available for help and questions at these times only”. And then let him consider that when he is choosing when to do it.

Bedtime, teeth care, physical hygiene might be easier managed if you are clear about them coming under the Respect Yourself rule. Then be sure that you don’t expect your child to understand the importance of self-care until she is much older. Some rules must be parent-set when the child is too young to know what is needed to care for and respect her body.

This is when I suggest calling on the Parent Card. This is a good example of you being respectful of your child. “I don’t expect that you will know and understand how much sleep you need to be healthy and strong (the importance of brushing your teeth…maintaining a clean body). That’s what I’m for. It’s a parent’s job to make sure that things you don’t or care about yet get done.” Then respect for your child shows up by giving some choices about how these things get done. “What song shall we sing for marching up the stairs tonight?” “Do you want to brush your teeth or get in pajamas first?” “Shall we read 2 long books, or 3 short ones tonight?” “Which 3 days of the week do you want to take your shower? Morning or evening?”

We must never forget the importance of modeling respect for our children, for their desires and ways of looking at things. In order to respect our children, it is imperative that parents have an understanding of the developmental needs and wants of their children at different ages as well as their specific temperamental needs.

Getting angry at a 2 ½ year old for grabbing a toy away from another child and expecting him to apologize is being disrespectful to him. Expecting a 13 year old to understand and care more about you and your needs than her own will lead you right into disrespect. We quickly label a child as disrespectful of us when we don’t even enter their minds.

Rather than disrespect, it is far more likely that the child is focused so intently on what she thinks she looks like or what someone at school said to her yesterday than what you asked her to do for you. That doesn’t mean let it go because of the general rule of Respecting Others. But it does mean that as a parent, you can show her respect by understanding that she is NOT showing disrespect. She is merely being normally egocentric and needs reminders of what is being asked of her—without tones of disapproval and disappointment.

Respecting our children goes miles toward gaining their consideration and appreciation, not to mention their respect of others needs and rights as they grow. We just need to know how to set our expectations in a way that is respectful of their stage of development and individual temperament.

You wouldn’t ask a child in a wheelchair to run upstairs and get your sweater. Likewise, you should not expect the same of a child who is experiencing fear of being alone without a good deal of help, even when your other younger child can do it without missing a beat.

We can set limits, problem solve in order to hold our children accountable for their unacceptable behavior, and express our anger all with full respect and consideration of our children. Take the rest of today and watch yourself communicating with your child. Ask, Am I being respectful? with everything you say. Ask, How would I like hearing what I’m saying right now?

For information on development, anything from the Gesell Institute is a good resource. Ilg and Ames write books for each age, Your One Year Old, Your Two Year Old on up through the teen years.

For temperament, the best is Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s Raising Your Spirited Child, whether your child is spirited or not. She helps you understand your own temperament as well.